PS 3529 B 
.S16 W4 



Jl919 




j^enidori^ (Royalty Vlay^ H 



QjJhen (Smith 
(Stepped Out 

by 
Harry Ojbornc 



nr. S. DenUon & Compcuiy 

Vubli^he?^ • Chicago 

IPrice 35 Cent^ 




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T. S. Denison & Company, Publishers 

154 West Randolph Street CHICAGO 



WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT 



When Smith Stepped Out 



A Comedy in Three Acts 



Harry Osborne 

.1 



'Fate tried to conceal him by naming him Smith ' 




CHICAGO 

T. S. DENISON & COMPANY 

Publishers 



P5 35^i 

^1- 



Please Read Carefully^ 




HE PROFESSIONAL STAGE-RIGHTS 
in this play are stridlly reserved and all 
applications for its use should Le ad- 
dressed to the publishers. Amateurs 
may obtain permission to produce it on 
payment o£ a fee of ten dollars ($10.00) for each 
performance, in advance. Correspondence on 
this subje(5l should be addressed to T. S. Denison 
& Company, 154 W. Randolph St., Chicago, 111. 
^^> -^:> <:> 

G/lttention is called to the penalties provided 
by the Copyright Law of the United States of 
America in force July 1, 1909, for any infringe- 
ment of the owner's rights, as follows : 

Sec. 28. That any person who willfully and for profit 
shall infringe any copyrig,ht secured by this Act, or who 
shall knowing,ly and willfully aid or abet such infring,ement, 
shall be deemed guilty of a misdemeanor, and upon convic- 
tion thereof shall be punished by imprisonment for not 
exceeding one year or by a fine of not less than one hundred 
dollars nor more than one thousand dollars, or both, in the 
discretion of the court. 

<:> -<:> <:> 

COPYRIGHT, 1919, BY T. S. DENISON & COMPANY 
CALL RIGHTS RESERVED 

6Lr iD it^iy 



©Gi.[) 52574 



WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT 

CHARACTERS. 

Men 

William Horace Smith Uncle Bill 

Geo. Smith His Nephew 

Richard Keene A Detective 

Bob Stanley A Wooer 

Women 

Mrs. Geo. Smith Nellie 

Muriel Armitage Her Younger Sister 

Miss Winslow A Spinster 

Hilda The Maid at the Smith's 



Time : The present. 



Place : A Suburb of Chicago. 



Scene : The Smith's living room. 



Act I. A Summer evening at the Smith's. 
Act II. The next morning. 
Act III. The same evening. 



Time of Playing — About Two Hours, 



WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT 



THE STORY OF THE PLAY. 

If there is a moral to this sprightly comedy, it is 
this, that it is dangerous to go out for a walk in the 
evening with a loaded revolver in one's pocket. George 
and Nellie Smith, a newly married young couple, 
are leading a happy, uneventful life until his Uncle 
Bill arrives from Australia to pay them a visit. Uncle 
Bill is a rich bachelor who, following the doctor's 
orders, always steps out for a walk in the evening. 
He is rather absent-minded, almost invariably put- 
ting on the wrong hat if there is more than one about 
and on this particular evening he leaves his watch at 
home and carries an automatic in his pocket. George 
warns him against it but there are hold-up men in 
town and Uncle Bill does not believe in taking 
chances. Now Nellie's sister Muriel is "keeping com- 
pany" with a young man named Bob and he and 
Uncle Bill have never met. Coming over to call on 
Muriel that evening Bob meets Uncle Bill on the 
dark street and borrows a match. Walking on a few 
steps Uncle Bill feels for his watch, cannot find it 
and at once suspects that Bob, whom he doesn't know, 
must have picked his pocket. He runs after him, 
levels his revolver and says "Gimme that watch." 
Bob, thinking he is being held up, hands over his 
watch. In his excitement Uncle Bill loses his hat and 
after vainly searching for it returns home. For cer- 
tain reasons Bob tells no one of his loss but Muriel 
and they have gone to notify the police when Uncle 
Bill arrives, hatless and out of breath. He then dis- 
covers that he has left his own watch at home and 
has robbed an unknown man. 

Right here the plot becomes rather complicated. 
Uncle Bill confides in George, his nephew, and between 



WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT 



them they keep that stolen watch on the move. A de- 
tective has found Uncle Bill's hat and the manner in 
which he and George keep him away from that stolen 
watcli is a lesson for crooks. It isn't only the detec- 
tive's clutches that Uncle Bill has to dodge — there 
is a designing spinster Avho lives next door and is des- 
perate for a husband. She is simply going to get 
Uncle Bill or die in the attempt. To make matters 
worse, Nellie has become suspicious of Uncle Bill and 
believes him to be an impostor and after their money. 
Tlirough all the excitement and third degrees, how- 
ever, the love affair of Bob and Muriel runs smooth- 
ly along and sure enough just about the time Uncle 
Bill is on his way to the police station, their engage- 
ment is announced. Uncle Bill learns that Bob is the 
owner of the watcli and in a hair line finish manages 
to get the stolen watch back into Bob's pocket before 
he has to spend the night in a cell. Nellie, however, 
still believes Uncle Bill to be a dangerous man and 
an impostor and is all packed ready to go back "to 
home and mother" when Uncle Bill proves his inno- 
cence and identity and invites them all to his party. 



COSTUMES AND CHARACTERISTICS. 

Uncle Bill — Aged 55. Short and inclined to 
stoutness. Absent-minded, a little bald, short mus- 
tache and close-cropped chin whiskers. Cheeks 
smooth shaven. Dark business suit, frock coat and 
black soft hat. Wears round bow-glasses. He speaks 
quickly in a staccato manner, but moves slowly and 
walks rather blindly. He sort of stumbles ahead when 
he walks, the only movement being in his legs. The 



8 WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT 

upper part of his body is without movement, his arms 
hang limp and his head bobs a little with each step. 

George — Aged 30. Short mustache, slender and 
active in movement. Light business suit. 

Keene — Aged 40. Smooth shaven, hard set face. 
Always with an unlighted cigar. Blue serge suit. 

Bob — Aged 25. Immaculately dressed, smooth 
shaven, quite a dandy in appearance. 

Nellie — Aged 25. Pretty, refined, always be- 
comingly but modestly gowned. 

Muriel — Aged 22. Pretty, vivacious, dressed in 
the latest fashion. 

Miss Winslow — Aged 50. Slender, quick in speech 
and movement. Hair turning grey and very plainly 
made up. To make herself look younger she is al- 
ways "all dressed up." Wears lots of jewelry even in 
the morning. Thin and plain looking. 

Hilda — Aged 20. Swedish descent. Speaks slowly 
with accent and walks flat footed with long strides. 



LIST OF PROPERTIES. 
Act I. 
Revolver for Uncle Bill. 
Cigar and evening paper for George. 
Gold watch for Uncle Bill. 
Gold watch with fob and charm attached for 

Nellie. 
Revolver and police badge for Bob. 

Act II. 
Gold watch and gold watch with fob and 

charm for Uncle Bill. 
Jar of jam for Miss Winslow. 



WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT 



Safety pin for Nellie. 

Soft black felt hat for Keene. 

Unlighted cigar for Keene throughout play. 

Cap for Uncle Bill. 

Note book for Keene. 

Act III. 
Small, brown paper parcel containing gold 

watch for Miss Winslow. 
Pail of water for Hilda. 
Soft black felt hat for Uncle Bill. 
Gold watch with fob and charm for Uncle 

Bill. 
Suit case for Nellie. 
Two legal looking papers for Keene. 
Taxi horn (to be worked off stage). 
Revolver and police badge for Bob. 



Scene Plot. 

Hall Backing 



I I Mall Trf»ft 

H C. D. I 



/Book ^ 
Shelves O Chair Chair P 



Mirror ' 



R. D.\ VAr-v< ^'"^^' 



I 



a Chair ■^^'^'^ \\U^^ r 
r~|Telephone Upholstered^-* > \ 
^— 'Table Chair D ^ 



« Place> 



STAGE DIRECTIONS. 

R. means right of stage; C, center; R. C, right 
center; L., left; 1 E., first entrance; U. E., upper 
entrance; R. 3 E., right entrance, up stage, etc.; 
up stage, away from footlights ; down stage, near 
footlights. The actor is supposed to be facing the 
audience. 



WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT 



The First Act. 

Scene : Living room at the Smith's. There is a wide 
doorway at C. zvith portieres drawn hack showing 
hall. On R. side of doorw'ay is suspended a Chinese 
gong. A hat tree is placed against hall hacking. 
Three hats on tree, one soft black hat which fits 
Uncle Bill and a derby and soft hat too small for 
him. A door at R. leading to adjoining room. 
Below door is a small table or desk with telephone 
and chair. Above R. D. book shelves are placed 
against R. wall. At L. about C. is a fireplace. 
Above fireplace on L. wall is a mirror. At L. C. 
is a large oblong table and between table and fire- 
place a davenport with cushions, its back against 
the table. There is an easy chair up R. near book- 
shelves, a chair above table a little to the R. and 
another chair beloiv table. This chair below table 
must be upholstered so that a safety pin can be 
pinned underneath the seat. The furniture and 
furnishings in general should suggest the home of 
a newly married couple living in a suburb of Chi- 
cago. It is evening and the lights are lit. 

At rise of curtain the stage is empty. The door 
bell rings off L. and in a moment Hilda crosses 
hall from R. and exits L. In another moment 
Miss Winslow enters C. D. from L. followed by 

Miss Winslow. 
(Turning to Hilda who is in the hall.) 
Tell Mrs. Smith I just ran in to say hello. 
11 



12 WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT 

Hilda. 
Eyah, I know. (Exit Hilda off R. Instead of sit- 
ting. Miss Winslow looks the room over to see if 
there have been any changes since she was last there. 
She is an inquisitive neighbor.) 

Enter Nellie C. D. from R. followed by George. 

Nellie. 
Good evening, Miss Winslow. 

Miss Win slow. 
Hello, my dear. I ran in just as I was — good even- 
ing, Mr. Smith. George. 

Good evening. Won't you be seated .^^ 

Miss Winslow. 
(Sitting below table.) 
Thank you, I can't stay. Are you through din- 
ner.? (George walks over R. and stands. Nellie 
sits above table.) Nellie. 

We're just finished. 

Miss Winslow. 
(To George.) 
I saw a taxi drive up about five o'clock and pre- 
sume your uncle has arrived. 
George. 
Yes, that was Uncle Bill. 

Miss Winslow. 
And how is Uncle Bill.'^ 

George. 
Oh, fine. Digestion perfect and he's rich. That's 
a hard combination to beat. 

Miss Winslow. 
Yes, indeed; and 3^ou have never seen him before .^^ 



WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT 13 

George. 
Not to remember him. He went to Australia when 
I was very small, made his money and now is back 
to visit the scenes of his childhood. 

IMiSS WiNSLOW. 

How romantic! (To Nellie.) And he's not mar- 
"^d? Nellie. 

Well, we haven't inquired, but — 

George. 
No, he's not married. 

Miss WiNSLOW. 

(With a sigh.) 

What a pity. I just caught a glimpse of him and 
I tliink he's very handsome. (George and Nellie 
exchange glances.) He didn't run when he saw me 
coming, did he.? Nellie. 

He went upstairs, didn't he, George .^^ . 

Miss Winslow. 
Poor man; he's probably tired after his long jour- 
ney and wants to rest. 

George. 
No, he is changing his clothes preparatory to tak- 
ing a walk. You see my uncle is a man of rather set 
habits, having lived alone so many years, and he usu- 
ally steps out for a little walk right after his evening 

"^^'^^- Miss Winslow. 

Oh, I see. Now I know he has a romantic disposi- 
tion. It is so romantic to walk in the evening — in the 
hush of the early evening. 

George. 
He's about as romantic as an adding machine — 



U WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT 

Miss Winslow. 
Perhaps he would like to have me go with him. I 
could point out some of the beauty spots of our 

suburb. NELI.IE. 

We both offered to go with him but he says he 
prefers to go alone. 

Miss W1NSI.0W. 
Well, I declare! Aren't you afraid he may get 

los^-^ George. 

(Laughing.) 
Oh, I guess Uncle Bill can find his way around al- 
though he is rather absent-minded. 

NELIilE. 

That's the first thing about him I noticed; but 
there — I mustn't talk about your uncle. 
George. 

Oh, he knows it. He asked me to help him keep 
track of things. He is continually laying things 
down and forgetting them. He always puts on my 
hat first instead of his own. If it wasn't too small 
for him he'd be wearing it. 

Miss WiNSLOW. 

How interesting. Where is your sister this eyen- 

i^g? NELI.1E. 

Oh, Muriel is in her room primping, I suppose. 
Bob Stanley is going to call for her. 
Miss Winslow. 
( Self-consciously. ) 
It beats all how the younger girls do dress and 
make up nowadays. (Uncle Bill is seen crossing 
hall from L. to R.) I know I must look like a fright, 
you know I came over just as I was. 



WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT \5 

George. 
Come in, Uncle Bill. 

Enter William Horace Smith, C D. 

Uncle Bill. 
Yes, jes, oli, here you are. 

Nellie. 
Miss Winslow, this is our uncle from Australia, Mr. 
Smith. (Uncle Bill comes down and Miss Wins- 
low pounces on him at C.) 

Miss Winslow. 
How-do-you-do, Uncle — I mean, Mr. Smith ; there, 
I almost called you Uncle Bill. 

Uncle Bill. 
Don't apologize, don't apologize, I'm used to it. 

Miss Winslow. 
I'm so glad you don't believe in formality. Please 
excuse my appearance, won't you? I am a neighbor, 
you know, and ran over just as I was. How do you 
like America? Have things changed much since you 
were here? ^ncle Bill. 

Everything seems smaller, except George, and how 
George has grown! George. 

{Drawing himself up.) 
Yes, George is quite a boy now. 

Uncle Bill. 
George, do you know where I left my hat? 

George. 

( Laughing. ) 
On the hall tree. Uncle. 

Uncle Bill. 
Yes, yes, quite so; when traveling I find it best to 



\6 WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT 

continue my daily routine as far as possible; so I 
hope you'll excuse me. My evening walk, you know. 
George. 
That's all right, Uncle. We want you to feel right 
at home. (Uncle Bill starts up C.) 
Nellie. 
Did you speak to your Uncle about his valuables.^ 
(Uncle Bill turns.) 

George. 
Oh, yes, I meant to tell you. Uncle Bill; just lately 
a number of people have been held up on the street 
and robbed. ^ncle Bill. 

Bush Rangers, eh.^ 

George. 
I suppose that's what you call them in Australia. 
It might be well to leave your valuables here. 
Uncle Bill. 
Oh, I'm not afraid. All I have is my watch. I 
carry my money in a belt around my waist. They'd 
have to undress me to find it. 
George. 
That may be, but these hold-up men are desperate 
characters. It's money or your life with them. 

Uncle Bill. 
(Reaching into his right hip pocket and taking out a 
black automatic revolver.) 
Well, well, if any of them bother me I'll let them 
look at this watch dog. 

Nellie. 
(In fright.) 

^^' Miss Winslow. 

My soul and body! 



WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT 17 

Uncle Bill. 
Don't be afraid; it never barks unless I say the 

^^'«^^- George. 

(Going C.) 
Why, Uncle Bill, you can't carry that gun. 

Uncle Bill. 
I've ahcays carried it. 

George. 
You can't carry it here. It's against the law. 

Uncle Bill. 
Against the law.^^ The hold-up men carry them, 
don't they.P George. 

Yes, but— Uncle Bill. 

I'm as good as they are. I don't beheve in taking 
chances. Nellie. 

I won't let George keep one of those tilings in the 
house. You might shoot someone by mistake. Please 
put it away. -Qncle Bill. 

Well, what am I going to do if somebody holds 

^^ ^P-^ Nellie. 

I don't know. Call the police, I suppose. 

George. 
A lot of good that would do. 

Miss Winslow. 
The best thing to do is leave your valuables at 

^^^^- Uncle Bill. 

The best thing is to get the drop on them. {He 
dips the automatic into his R. coat pocket.) 
George. 

You're right, of course ; but listen ; there's a law 
here against carrying concealed weapons. If the po- 



18 WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT 

lice find that gun in your possession you'll be ar- 
rested. It will cause you no end of trouble. 

Uncle Bill. 
How'll they know I got it? 

George. 
Well, they search suspicious looking characters. 

Uncle Bill. 
(Laughing.) 
Suspicious? Well, well, bless my soul! You think 

George. 
No, no; of course not; but you're a stranger in 
town and- ^^j^j^,^. 

(Interrupting.) 
Please don't carry it. I know it will get you into 
trouble. Uncle Bill. 

There, now ; I'm sorry I ever showed it to you. 

George. 
(Hitting him on the hack) 
It's all nonsense, anyway. Nobody's going to hold 
you up. Uncle Bill. 

(Going up.) 
Of course not. 

Miss Winslow. 
(Going up.) 
Don't you find it lonesome walking alone, Mr. 

S"^^^^- Uncle Bill. 

(Turning at hall tree.) 

Lonesome ! No, no. It's a period of reflection with 

me. I think over what has happened during the day 

and what I'm going to do on the morrow. (Takes 

George's hat from hall free and puts it on. It merely 



WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT 19 

balances on top of his head, George laughs.) What's 
the matter? Oh, that's not my hat. {Puts it back 
and puts on his own black soft hat.) How's that.? 

George. 
Better. (Uncle Bill starts L.) 

Uncle Bill. 
Don't worry about me. I'll be back in a few min- 

^^^^' Miss Winslow. 

{Coquettishly.) 

Au revoir, Mr. Smith. I hope I'll see you again 
real soon. Uncle Bill. 

Yes, yes, very likely, with pleasure. {Exit Uncle 
Bill off L. followed by George.) 

Miss Winslow. 
What a charming man, and he's rich, too, isn't he.^^ 
Nellie. 
{Coldly.) 
I don't know. Mjgg Winslow. 
He carries his money in a belt. They always do 
tliat when they have lots of it. Maybe he owns a 
diamond mine. I'll ask him. 

Nellie. 
To think of his carrying around that terrible 
weapon. I'm afraid of him. 

George enters C. D. from L. 

Miss Winslow. 
{Suddenly.) 
Well, folks, I must run back to my little nest. Now 
do bring your Uncle over, w^on't you.^^ (Miss Wins- 
low goes up C.) Nellie. 

He doesn't care much for society. 



20 WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT 

Miss Winslow. 
Please explain to him I'm not a society girl — just 
a plain home body who loves to cook and sew, and 
have a man around the house. 
George. 
We'll ask him. ^yj^^^ Winslow. 
Goodbye. Don't bother going to the door. Good- 

^y^- Nellie. 

Goodbye, Miss Winslow. 

George. 
Goodbye. (Ea:it Miss Winseow C. D. off L.) 

Nellie. 
You see what she's trying to do? 

George. 
No. Who.? What? 

Nellie. 
Men never see anytliing. She's making a dead set 
at your Uncle Bill ; that's what she's doing — and if 
we're not careful she'll get him and all his money, 
(George laughs heartily.) I don't see anything to 
laugh at. George. 

You mean she'll get Uncle Bill to marry her.^ 

Nellie. 
That's certainly what she is after. 

George. 
Well, if Uncle Bill wants her let him have her. 

Nellie. 
It isn't what he wants, it's what she wants, and a 
woman of her age isn't overlooking any chances with 
a matrimonial prize like Uncle Bill. 
George. 
If a woman wants a man she'll get him — is that it? 



WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT 21 

Nellie. 
Certainly. George. 

(Teasing her.) 
Is that the way you got me.^ 
Nellie. 
That was different. You made my hfe miserable 
until I accepted you. 

Geoege. 
Of course. Don't worry about Miss Winslow. If 
Uncle Bill was the marrying kind he would have been 
in double harness long ago. 

Nellie. 
We're his only living relations and it would be ter- 
rible if she got all his money. 
George. 
I don't know how much money he has. 

Nellie. 
He must have a lot. He carries it in a belt ; they 
always do when they have a lot of it. 

Enter Muriel R. D. wearing a pretty evening 

SOt^""' Muriel. 

All alone .^ I thought I lieard voices. 

George. 
Miss Winslow just left. 

Nellie. 
And what do you think, she's trying to fascinate 
Uncle Bill. Muriel. 

She is.f^ Oh, I think that's too funny for words. 

Nellie. 
George thinks it's funny, too, but there's nothing 
funny about it to me. 



22 WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT 

Muriel. 
Perhaps not. {Imitating Miss Winslow.) No one 
can tell what we girls will do when we're desperate. 

George. 
{Laughing.) 
What are you going to do to Bob Stanley this 
evening, that's the question. Just look at her. What 
chance has a man got.^^ 

IMURIEL. 

{Pleased and turning around to show her gown.) 
Do you like my simple little dress .^^ Bob's never 
seen me in it. George. 

That fellow's so crazy about you he never knows 
what you have on. You could wear an old gingham 
wrapper and he'd think you were dressed for the 
Charity Ball. Muriel. 

Now, George, don't talk foolishly. 
Nellie. 
{Going up C.) 
Now's my chance to clean out that closet in Uncle 
Bill's room while he's away. 

George. 

{Going R.) 

I have a letter to get off. (Nellie exits C. D. off 

R. Muriel goes around L. to davenport. George 

turns at R. door.) This suspense is awful. Make 

him propose tonight and get it over with. 

Muriel. 
I don't know what you're talking about. {Exit 
George R. door. Muriel sits on davenport.) 

Hilda enters C. D. from R. humming a little air 
off Icey. 



WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT 23 

Hilda. 
Ta-tum-ta-tum-ta-tum-ta-tum. 

Muriel. 
Hello, Hilda. j^^^^^ 

(UpL.) 
Hel-lo, Miss Muriel. 

Muriel. 
You seem happj, Hilda. 

Hilda. 
Yah, I ban alvajs happy. 

Muriel. 
I think you must have had a letter today. 

Hilda. 
Yah, from St. Paul, Minne-sota. How did you 

Because you are singing. I can always tell. 

Hilda. 
My Ole in St. Paul, Minne-sota, has yot a yob. 

Muriel. 
Really.? Why, isn't that lovely. 

Hilda. 
Twelluf dollar a veek. If he save his monay ve yet 
married soon bime-by. 

Muriel. 
Isn't that exciting! 

Hilda. 
Yah, it's nice. My, my. Miss Muriel, vat a lovely 
dress you're vearing. 

Muriel. 
You like it? jjj^j,^ 

I know, Meester Bob is coming. 



24 WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT 

Muriel. 
You're right, Hilda ; that is, I expect him. 

Hilda. 
Does he save any monay.'^ 

Muriel. 
{Laughs.) 
Not when he's with me. 

Hilda. 
Has he monaj in the Postal Savings Bank.? 

Muriel. 
I never asked him. 

Hilda. 

{Surprised,) 

Never asked him.? Yumping yimming, if he don't 

save his mona.y you ban vasting your time. (Muriel 

laughs gaily') Two, free times a veek he comes 

now. Muriel. 

He is a nice young man and I like him. 

Hilda. 
You ban going be married by him.? 

Muriel. 
He hasn't asked me. 

Hilda. 
{Holding up both hands,) 
You don't know if he saves his monay and you don't 
know if he vants tu marry you. Yumping yimming, 
ve don't do tings lak dat in de ole country. {Bell 
rings off L.) And har he ban again. (Muriel rises 
and Hilda exits C. D. off L. Muriel makes a final 
inspection at mirror up L.) 

Bob enters C. D. from L. and she meets him at C. 
Bob is a little out of breath and excited. 



WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT 25 

Bob. 
Hello, Muriel. ]\Iitriel. 

Good evening, Boh. 

Bob. 
Clmrniing. You're looking more charming than 

ever- Muriel. 

You never forget to flatter, do jou? 

Bob. 
If I did the sight of you would remind me, but it 
isn't flattery, it is — 

Muriel. 
Why, Bob, you're all excited ; you've been running. 

Bob. 
I always run when I start out to see you. 

Muriel. 
Take off* your coat and rest. It's warm in here. 

Bob. 

Thanks. {He goes up to hall tree and hangs his 
coat and hat there.) I had a funny experience on 
my way over here. Muriel. 

You did.^ Tell me about it. (Bob comes down and 
leans against table, Muriel a little R.) 

Bob. 
You know my watch .^^ 

Muriel. 
Yes- Bob. 

Somebody stole it. 

Muriel. 
Stole it — stole your watch.? 

Bob. 

Yes, my gold watch; the one my father gave me= 



26 WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT 



Muriel. 
(Going to him.) 
Oh, Bob, you frighten me. How did it happen.^ 
Are you hurt.? g^B. 

No, I'm not hurt, but somebody is going to get 
^^urt. Muriel. 

(Stepping back.) 
Tell me about it. -^^^ 

As I was turning the corner at Maple Street, you 
know it is rather dark there — 
Muriel. 
Yes. Bob. 

A short, thick set man ran up behind me, stuck a 
gun into me right here (indicating his stomach) and 
said, "Gi'me that watch." 

Muriel. 
He didn't shoot.? g^^ 

(Laughing.) 
No ; I gave him my watch. What else could i do r 

Muriel. 
Oh, how terrible ! Bob. 

I wanted to hit him. I would only have had to hit 
him once, but there was that gun pushing into me 
and all he had to do was to pull the trigger. 
Muriel. 
Oh, I'm glad you didn't hit him. 

Bob. 
I hope you don't think I'm a coward? 

Muriel. 
Good gracious, no. You did just the right thing. 
Have you notified the police.? 



WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT 27 

Bob. 
No. I wanted to see you first. 

Muriel. 
Call them up before he gets away. 

Bob. 
Oh, there's no hurry. (Starts dozen H. to tele- 
phone.) 

Miss Winslow runs in C. D. from L. 

Miss Winslow. 
Hello, Muriel. {Seeing Bob.) Oh, excuse me. 

Muriel. 
Come right in. ^^^ 

Good evening. Miss Winslow. 

Miss Winslow. 
Good evening, Mr. Stanley. Did you just come in.? 

Bob. 
Just a minute ago. 

Miss Winslov^^. 
(To Muriel.) 
Has Mr. Smith, George's uncle, returned.'* 

^ Muriel. 
I haven't seen him. 

]\Iiss Winslow. 
{To Bob.) 
It must* have been you I saw. Someone came in 
and I thought it was Mr. Smith. 
Muriel. 
A terrible thing has happened, Miss Winslow. Mr. 
Stanley has just been held up and robbed. 
Miss Winslow. 
( Throwing up her hands. ) 
My soul and body ! 



28 WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT 

Muriel. 
Someone stole his watch. 

Miss Winslow. 
(Starting up C.) 
No one is safe any more. I left my side door un- 
locked. Someone may be getting in this minute. 

Bob. 
Oh, Miss Winslow. 

Miss Winslow. 
( Turning. ) 
Yes? Bob. 

Please don't tell anyone about this. I — er — I have 
special reasons for not wanting it known. 
Miss Winslow. 
The police should know of it at once. 

Bob. 
Yes, yes, I'll notify the police; but please do not 
tell anyone about it, will you.^^ 

Miss Winslow. 

If you don't want me to, certainly not. (Exit 

Miss Winslow C. D. off L. Bob laughs, Muriel 

looks at him and then she laughs.) 

Muriel. 

Well, we got rid of her less painfully than usual. 

Bob. 
Yes, but— Muriel. 

I made a mistake in telling her about your watch, 
didn't 1? BoB^ 

Perfectly natural. I didn't ask you not to tell, 
although I meant to — you see — 
Muriel. 
I promise not to tell anyone else. 



WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT 29 

Bob. 
(Seriousli/.) 
Thanks, Muriel. I would tell you the reason for 
my secrecy only— Muriel. 
Only what.? g^^ 

I — I'm afraid you'll laugh at me. (Muriel bursts 
out laughing.) There; you're laughing already. 
Muriel. 
(Drawing down her face.) 
Forgive me ; you're so serious. I won't do it again. 

Bob. 
(Glancing around in fear of being overheard.) 
About a month ago, when these hold-ups started, 
I volunteered for special police duty. See, here's my 
badge. (Goes to hall tree and takes badge from 
breast pocket of coat.) I have to carry a gun, too. 
(Gives her a glimpse of the revolver in his hip 
pocket.) Muriel. 

Oh! . Bob. 

I'm a special officer. You can see the position it 
puts me in. If it ever got out that I had been held 
up, I'd be the laughing stock of the town. 
Muriel. 
What else could you do when he pointed that gun 
right at you.? Bob. 

That's just it. He was a desperate criminal; he 
didn't give me a chance. 

Muriel. 
I think you should tell the police. 
Bob. 
(Going dozen R. to telephone.) 
Yes, I suppose it's my duty to do that. 



30 WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT 

Muriel. 
(As Bob takes up telepJione.) 
Perhaps it would be better to go to the police sta- 
tion. You can describe the watch and the man better. 

Bob. 
Yes, and someone might be listening on the wire. 
Will you go with me ? 

Muriel. 
I'd love to. I've never been in a police station. 

Bob. 
(Going up.) 
Let's go. Muriel. 

I'll only be a second. (Muriel exits C. D. off R. 
Bob goes to hall tree and thoughtfully puts on his 
hat and coat.) 

Muriel enters hall again from R. wearing a light 
evening wrap. Bob removes his hat. 

Muriel. 
(Calling off R.) ' 
I'm going out with Bob, Nellie. 

Nellie. 

(OffR,) 

All right, dear. Uvumi.. 

(To Bob.) 
It's nice of you to let me go along. 

Bob. 
It's a lark with you along. (Bob and Muriel 
exit L. ) 

In a moment R. door opens and George enters car- 
rying the evening paper. He walks carelessly to dav- 
enport, sits, lights a cigar and begins to read the 



WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT 31 

paper. After he is well settled Uncle Bill enters 
C. D. from L., excited, out of breath and hatless. He 
stops at C. and looks about. 

George. 
(Tur7iing.) 
Hello, Uncle Bill. 

Uncle Bill. 
Ah, there you are. 

George. 
What's the matter — been doing a Marathon? 

Uncle Bill. 
I — I — did run a little. 

George. 
Where's your hat.? 

Uncle Bill. 
(Feeling' of his head.) 
My hat — haven't I any hat.? 

George. 

Now you see, you shouldn't have gone on this walk 

alone. You should have taken me along to look after 

your hat. jt t^ 

-^ Uncle Bill. 

I wish I had. (Running his hand over his head 

bewildered.) I seem to remember now. I started to 

run, my hat blew ofF, but I— I couldn't stop. 

George. 
Where was the fire.? 

Uncle Bill. 
A fire ? No, no ; a man stole my watch and I — 

George. 
(Jumping to his feet.) 
Stole your watch.? 



32 WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT 

Uncle Bill. 
You won't say anything more about my carrying a 
gun after this. If it hadn't been for this gun (pat- 
ting his side coat pocket) he would have got away 

'''^^ ^^' George. 

(Going to him C.) 
Now, Uncle Bill, you're excited. Tell me about 

*^^^- Uncle Bill. 

(Mopping his forehead.) 

Well, you see— g^^rge. 

Sit down. Uncle Bill. 

I can't sit down. You were right about there be- 
ing Bush Rangers in this town. I was walking qui- 
etly along, minding my own business, when a fellow 
stopped me and asked for a match. I found a match 
in my pocket, so I gave it to him and walked on. 
Then I happened to think that he had acted rather 
suspicious and stood pretty close to me when I was 
searching for the match. He sort of brushed oy me 
as he walked away. Then I happened to wonder 
what time it was and I reached for my watch. 
George. 

You reached for your watch — yes.^^ 

Uncle Bill. 
It was gone. I always carry it riglit here in my 
left hand vest pocket. It was gone. 

George. 
Say, that was pretty slick, wasn't it ? To pick your 
pocket while you were looking for a match. 
Uncle Bill. 
I should say it was, but I didn't hesitate a minute. 
I pulled out my gun and ran after him (acting it 



WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT 33 

out on George) ; he was just turning the corner. I 
shoved it against his stomach like that and I said, 
"Gi'me that watch." You bet he gave it back in a 
hurry and I'll bet he's running yet. (Puts gun back 
in pocket.) Geouge. 

(Hitting him on the hack.) 
Great work, good old Uncle Bill, and you got your 

^^'^tc^- Uncle Bill. 

(Proudli/.) 

You bet I got m}^ watch. He's got the fob and 
charm but I don't care about them. (Takes it out 
of his pocket for George to see and without looking 
at it slips it back.) Gj^orge. 

They picked the wrong man that time, didn't they ? 

Uncle Bill. 
You bet they did. (Feeling of his head.) I'm 
sorry, though, about my hat. 

Enter Nellie C D. from R. She carries a gold 
icatch in her hand with fob and charm attached, simi- 
lar to the one Uncle Bill has in his pocket. 

Nellie. 

(Coming down R. a little.) 

You're weren't gone long, were you. Uncle Bill.'^ 

Uncle Bill. 
No, no. I came right back. 

Nellie. 
(Holding out the watch.) 
I was taking some of George's things out of your 
closet and I saw your watch on the dresser. (Inno- 
cently.) You must have forgotten it when you 
changed your clothes. (Nellie puts the watch in 



34 WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT 

Uncle Bill's hand and he stares at it open mouthed 
and thunderstruck.) 

Uncle Bill. 

^'~^}^~.''^'' T^^"ks! {He lays his other hand 
against his lower left vest pocket. Tableau Nellie 
very innocent, George amused.) 

Positions. 

Uncle Bill, C. 

Nellie, R. C. George, L, C. 

Curtain. 



WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT 



The Second Act. 

Scene: Same as Act I. The following morning. 

At rise the stage is empty. Uncle Bill enters C. D. 
from R. cautiously. He looks carefully around 
and then makes the rounds of the room and furni- 
ture, going down 7?,, crossing and up L. as if look- 
ing for something and fearful of being discovered. 
Finally, as he is nosing around the fireplace, he 
hears a noise and quickly takes a gold watch from 
his vest pocket and drops it behind cushion on dav- 
enport. He straightens up, stops, listens and then 
goes up C. to hall tree. There are still two hats 
there, a black derby and a light soft hat, both too 
small for him. He tries on the derby. It falls off 
his head. He takes the light soft hat from the hall 
tree and tries it on before the mirror. He finally 
gets it to stick at a ludicrous angle and then tip- 
toes up C. and off L. 

As soon as he is off Hilda enters hall from R. tiptoe- 
ing along in exaggerated, comical manner. Before 
she Is out of sight L. she stops, a door Is heard slam 
off L., she goes to hall tree, examines derby, puts 
it back and comes down C. 

Nellie enters R. D. 

Nellie. 
Aren't you rather slow with your work this morn- 
ing, Hilda.? Hilda. 

Yah, but I get him done quick enough — bime-by. 
35 



36 WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT 

Nellie. 

{Bef erring to chair dozen L.) 

Did you telephone Mr. Benson about the chair.? 

Hilda. 
Yah, I ban telephone las' night. 

Nellie. 
When is he coming for it.? 
Hilda. 
Dis morning, sometime, he say. 

Nellie. 
Very well; if I'm not here, be sure he takes the 
right chair. This one, you know. 
Hilda. 
(Seriousli/.) 
Yah — I know. Mr. Smith, dat Uncle, I mean, 
yust step out, teeptoe out, he steal de Meester's hat. 
Nellie. 
(Laughing.) 
Why, what do you mean? 

Hilda. 
He take de little soft hat and teeptoe out. I see 

hini- Nellie. 

Don't worry about him, Hilda; just get your work 

d«ne- Hilda. 

He ban a funny faller. He eat no breakfast. 

Nellie. 
I noticed that. Probably he wasn't hungry. 

Hilda. 
It ban pretty bad sign ven dey eat no breakfast. 

Nellie. 
That doesn't concern us, Hilda. Have you 
straightened up his room yet.? 



WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT 37 

Hilda. 
Yah ; it ban pretty bad, but I straighten him. Bed 
clothes {gesturing) all roll op, all mixed together, 
look lak somebody maybe have awful rough house. 
Nellie. 
Probably he didn't sleep well last night. 

Hilda. 
Yah, his bed look lak A^ild horses sleep in it. I 
tink you better look out for dat faller. He dam-ned 
funny faller/ j^^,^^,^ 

{Sternly.) 
Hilda, Hilda, never use such language. You better 
ring the breakfast bell again for Miss Muriel. 
Hilda. 
Yah, I ring her. (Hilda taps the gong with stick 
attached and then exits C. D. off R.) 

Enter George R. door. 

George. 
Uncle Bill here? Nellie. 
Hilda just said he went out wearing your hat. 

George. 

Oh' y^""- Nellie. 

Why didn't he eat any breakfast this morning? 
George. 

He was worried about his hat. It blew ofF last 
night wlien he was out walking — he's gone out to look 
for it, I guess. Nellie. 

He is terribly absent-minded, isn't he? 
George. 

Yes ; he could keep two men busy just looking after 
his hat. 



38 WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT 

Nellie. 
Won't you be late to the office? 

George. 
I telephoned I might be late. I may take Uncle 
Bill down with me. Nellie. 
That's a good idea. 

Enter Muriel C. D. from R. in a becoming morn- 
ing negligee. Muriel. 
(Cheerily.) 
Good morning. George. 
Good morning, sleepy head. 

Muriel. 
Last call to breakfast, I suppose. 

Nellie. 
Hilda has kept it hot for you. 

George. 
(To Muriel.) 
Well, what's the good news this morning.? 

Muriel. 
Good news.? I've just finished dreaming.? 

George. 
How about last night. Did he come to the point.? 

Muriel. 
Now, George, never try to be clever before break- 

^^^^- George. 

{Emphatically .) 
Did he propose? Muriel. 

Oh ! Bob had something important on his mind last 
night. I don't believe he ever thought of it. 
George. 
Slow work, slow work. 



WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT 39 



Muriel. 
Who do you mean, Bob? 

George. 
No, you. Muriel. 

Me for breakfast. I'll work fast at that. {Exit 
Muriel R. D, George sits in chair below tahle.^ 

George. 
Well, there's nothing for me to do but wait for 
Uncle Bill. Nellie. 

Whoever heard of a man losing his hat. 

George. 
Funny, isn't it ? I 'haven't stopped laughing yet. 

Nellie. 
It's perfectly ridiculous. 

Enter INIiss Winslow C. D. from R. She wears a 
different dress than in first act, but is altogether too 
much dressed for morning. She carries a jar of jam 
in her hand. lyjjgg Winslow. 

Good morning, folks. 

Nellie. 
Good morning. George. 
All dressed up this morning. Going away.? 

Miss Winslow. 
Now, don't you try to tease me. I ran over just 
as I was. George. 

Why, you look as though you had stepped right 
out of the latest fashion magazine. 
Miss Winslow. 
Oh, do make him behave, Mrs. Smith. 

Nellie. 
He's not happy unless he's teasing someone. 



40 WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT 

Miss Winsi^ow. 
I wonder if your Uncle Bill likes raspberry jam. 
(To Nellie.) I remembered you didn't put up any 
raspberries last fall and men do so love raspberry 
jam. Some evening when you have hot biscuits just 
get him to try it. George. 

If he don't, I will. Nj^llie. 

(Taking jam.) 
Thank you very much, Miss Winslow. I'm sure he 
will appreciate your kindness. 

Miss Winslow. 

(Shaking a friger at George.) 

Now naughty boy, don't you eat it all yourself. 

George. 
Well, I'm not going to let it spoil. I don't believe 
Uncle Bill likes raspberry jam, anyway. Besides, it's 
too rich for him. ^j^^^ Winslow. 
(Same business.) 
I know what you're after. 

Nellie. 
(Places jam on table.) 
I'll see that Uncle Bill gets it. 

Miss Winslow. 
How is the dear man this morning ? 

George. 
Oh, he's fine. Just stepped out for a few minutes. 
Miss Winslow^ 
(Indulgently.) 
His morning walk. Yes, of course. 
Uncle Bill enters C. D. from L. wearing the little 

^^^' Uncle Bill. 

Oh, ah, good morning. 



WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT 41 

Miss Winslow. 
( Ejfuslvely. ) 
Good morning, Mr. Smith. How are you this 
morning.^ I trust you slept well last night. 

Uncle Bill. 

Slept ? Oh, yes, yes, certainly. Never knew a thing 
until morning. George. 

Well, I see we'll have to buy you a new hat. 

Uncle Bill. 
{Removing hat.) 
Oh, ah, excuse me. It's so small I forgot I had it 
on. {Goes up and puts it on hall tree.) 

Nellie. 
Here is some raspberry jam Miss Winslow brought 

3^^"- Uncle Bill. 

Oh, ah, raspberry jam; my favorite delicacy. How 
very thoughtful and kind of a^ou. (]Miss Winslow 
beams upon him. George rises, hands in pockets, 
disgusted.) George. 

Dog-gone! ^ncle Bill. 

What's the matter, George.? 

George. 

You know you shouldn't eat raspberry jam. It's 
too rich for your blood. It'll give you the gout, or 
appendicitis, or something. 

Miss Winslow. 

He's only jealous, that's all, because I didn't bring 
him some. I'm sure it won't hurt you. I put it up 
with my own hands. My grandmother used the same 
recipe. Uncle Bill. 

Um, that's fine. I feel like a boy already. My 



42 WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT 

mother always kept it on the top shelf and I never 
got enough. George. 

I think we better start for the office, Uncle Bill. 

Uncle Bill. 
Yes, that's so. I don't want to make you late. 

George. 
I have a cap that's too large for me. You can wear 
that to town if you don't mind. 

Uncle Bill. 
Yes, yes, quite so. 

Miss Winslow. 
Well, I must run back. I'm cooking a roast this 
morning and it might burn. You know, ]Mr. Smith, 
I just love to cook ! 

George {snifflng.) 

I wondered what that was burning. 

Miss Winslow. 

{To Nellie.) 

Isn't he just too terrible.^ Goodbye, Mr. Smith. 

Uncle Bill. 

Oh, ah, goodbye. Tliank you for the jam. (Miss 

Winslow and Nellie exit C. D. off R. When they 

are well off Uncle Bill speaks guardedly.) I 

couldn't find my hat. Someone nmst have picked 

^^ ^P- George. 

That's too bad. u^.^le Bill. 

You — you didn't tell Nellie anything about last 
night, did you.? George. 

Not a word. I just told her you lost your hat. 
Uncle Bill. 

That's right ; don't tell anyone. I'm in a terrible 
predicament. 



WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT 43 

George, 
Don't worry. No one will ever suspect you. 

Uncle Bill. * 
Do you realize that unknowingly I held up a law- 
abiding citizen last night and relieved him of his 

w^t^^-^ George. 

You were innocent. What of it.? 

Uncle Bill. 
What of it.'^ I have that man's watch and I don't 
know what to do with it. 

George. 
Give it back to him. 

Uncle Bill. 
Exactly; but I don't know who he was, and if I 
did I would have an awful time explaining to him or 
the police. George. 

That's right. The police wouldn't believe that 
story you told me for a minute. You better get rid 
of that watch. Uncle Bill. 

I could bury it or drop it in the river, but that 
wouldn't be fair to the owner. 

George. 
If he was a decent fellow he would be satisfied to 
get his watch back. 

Uncle Bill. 
Don't forget about the gun. 

George. 
That's so. If the owner of the watch was satis- 
fied the police wouldn't let it drop. You'd be arrested 
for carrying a gun. 

Uncle Bill. 
Oh, I've thought it all out. I didn't sleep a wink 



44 WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT 

last night. We've got to find the owner of that 

'''''^'^^'' ^ George. 

I searched the paper this morning, but evidently, 
if the owner reported his loss, the police are keeping 
it quiet. UxcLE Bill. 

I'll tell you. You call up the police station and 
ask them if they know who it was had his watch stolen 
last night. George. 

They would trace the call and be here inside of five 

minutes. ij^^r^-,^ tIttt 

Uncle xJill. 

{Thinllng hard.) 

Don't telephone, don't telephone. 

George. 
Where is the watch .? (Uncle Bill looks carefully 
^^round.) Uncle Bill. 

I ^^'^ '^' George. 

Where .^ (Uncle Bill looks up R. at ceiling and 
points back of him.) 

Uncle Bill. 
Behind the cushion. 

George. 
(Sarcastic.) 
Fine ! Hilda will find it when she dusts. 

Uncle Bill. 
I'll watch while you get it. 

George. 

All right, but j'ou'll have to take it. I don't want 
it found on me. ^ncle Bill. 

I'll take it — for a minute. Go ahead. (Uncle Bill 
watches R. door and C. D. while George searches 
behind the cushions, tumbles them about. Just as he 



WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT 45 

finds the watch Uncle Bill hears someo7ie coming in 
hall.) Hist! Hist! (Uncle Bill zcalks down C. 
hands behind his back carelessly flapping his coat 
tails, turns and walks up, same business.) 

George is almost caught by Nellie, who enters 

^' ^' Nellie. 

Why, George! Having a pillow fight? 
George. 
(Forcing a laugh.) 
Ha-ha, ha-ha ! Uncle Bill dropped something ; try- 
ing to find it. Unci,e Bill. 

(Reproving.) 
Very awkward, very clumsy. I'm surprised at you. 

George. 
Oh, damn! ■ Nellie. 

What did you say.? 

George. 
I said jam; Miss Winslow's jam, you know. 
Nellie. 
(Taking jam from table.) 
Oh, yes; this is hardly the place for jam. 

Uncle Bill. 
Charming old lady, isn't she.? 
Nellie. 
(At C. D.) 
Don't let her hear you say old. (Exit Nellie C. 
D- off R.) Geoi^ge. 

(Handing Uncle Bill the watch.) 
Here, take it, you robber; it's yours. 
Uncle Bill. 
(Taking watch.) 
It's not mine ; I'm not a robber. 



46 WHEN SxMITH STEPPED OUT 

George. 

Why didn't you take his money instead of his 
watch. Monej^ all looks alike. You could spend it — 
buy a new hat. Uxcle Bili.. 

This isn't any joking matter. If I'm caught you'll 
be arrested also for harboring a criminal. 

George. 
We've got to find the owner of that watch. 

Uncle Bill. 
I'll tell you. We'll put an ad in the paper some- 
thing like this : "If the man who gave his watch"^ — 
we'll have to say "gave," otherwise we admit it was 
stolen — "if the man who gave his watch to a stranger 
on the night of the tenth will insert his name and 
address in this same space tomorrow, his watch will 
be returned to him in the same condition it was re- 
ceived." How's that.f^ 

George. 

Rotten. The newspaper won't print a notice like 
that unless you pay them for it. 

Uncle Bill. 
I'll pay them any amount they want. I would 
gladly pay a thousand dollars right now to be out 

of this- George. 

Pay them the money, they notify the police and 
the jig's up. Uncle Bill. 

I forgot about that. There must be some way to 
advertise for the owner. 

George. 
Not without running an awful risk. I think tlie 
best thing to do is to hide the watch and sit tight. 
News travels quickly in this town and in a few days 



WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT 47 

we'll hear of someone who had a watch stolen. We'll 
mall them the watch and let them do the guessing. 
How's that.? Uncle Bill. 

Fine; but where're we going to hide it.^^ 

George. 
We're not going to hide it. Did you ever read 
that story by Edgar Allen Poe about the letter the 
police searched for and couldn't find.'^ 

Uncle Bill. 
No, I'm quite sure I haven't. 

George. 
I think it's called "The Purloined Letter." The 
thief didn't hide the letter at all; he left it out in 
plain sight and it was so obvious that it was over- 
looked although every nook and corner was thor- 
oughly searched. The theory is that we overlook the 
obvious. This is a good chance to test that theory. 

Uncle Bill. 
Now, my dear nephew, let's not test any theories; 
let's hide the watch. 

George. 
Where could w^e hide it where a systematic search 
would not discover it.? 

Uncle Bill. 
Of course I don't know. It's your house ; you know 
all the hiding places. 

George. 
I've been married two years but I haven't any — 
yet. Now, I've been thinking. (He goes to the dif- 
ferent chairs in the room and runs his hand under the 
seat of each one. He tries the chair below table last 
and stops there.) We'll hide it right in this room. 



48 WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT 

Uncle Bill. 
{Eagerly.) 
ilow can we — whereabouts? 
George. 
Have you a safety pin.^ 

Uncle Bill. 
Safety pin.? Lord bless you, no. 
George. 
{Going up C.) 
I'll get one. {Calling off R.) Oh, Nellie! 
Nellie. 
(OffR.) 
Yes, dear. Geokge. 

Have you a safety pin? 

Nellie. 
(OffR.) 
No, but I'll get you one. (George comes down C.) 

George. 
Let me see the watch. 

Uncle Bill. 
Take it, take it; I don't want it. (George puts 
his hands behind him.) 

George. 
Neither do I. Is it going? 

Uncle Bill. 
Yes. I keep it wound up so that the owner will 
find it just as he lost it. 

George. 
{Listening.) 
I should say it was going. It must be full of car- 
bon and only hitting on three. You can hear it a 
mile off. 

As Nellie enters C. D. from R. 



WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT 4^ 

George. 
It's going to be a fine day if it don't rain. 

Nellie. 
Here's your safety pin. 

George. 
{Taking it.) 
Thank you, Nellie. A safety pin is only a little 
thing, but you've saved Uncle Bill's freedom if not 

^'^ ^'^^- Nellie. 

Uncle Bill's freedom.? 

George. 
(Holding up pin,) 
Without this he might be arrested and go to live 
in the jail. ^ncle Bill. 

( Uneasy. ) 
Oh, ah; now, George, you are going too far. 

Nellie. 
What in the world are you talking about.'* 

George. 
Well, you see Uncle Bill lost a suspender button. 
He might lose a few more — he might not be able to 
find a barrel — and — but why go any further .^^ 

Nellie. 
( Reprovingly. ) 
You've gone quite far enough. 

Uncle Bill. 
{Relieved.) 
Oh, ah, ha-ha, very original, quite original. 

Nellie. 
You aren't going to let him use that safety pin. 
I'll get a needle and thread and sew it on myself. 



50 WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT 

Uncle Bill. 
No, no; please don't bother. We — we have to 
hurry. Nellie. 

{Going up.) 
It's no bother and I won't be a minute. 

George. 
We can't wait now, NelHe. 
Nellie. 
{Pausing in C. D.) 
Just remind me of it tonight, Uncle Bill. 

Uncle Bill. 
Yes, yes, thank you. (Ea:it Nellie C. D. off R.) 

George. 
Now let me have the watch. (Uncle Bill hands 
it to him with alacrity. George puts the pin through 
the ring and holds it up.) Now you stand guard. 
(Uncle Bill tiptoes up to C. D. George comes 
down to upholstered chair belozv table and tipping 
up the chair pins the watch to the lining underneath. 
Then rights the chair.) Can you see it.'* 
Uncle Bill. 
No, that's a wonderful place for it. 
George. 
{Going up C.) 
Now I'll get that cap and we'll go to town. 
Uncle Bill. 
{Following him.) 
Good. I feel better already. {Exit George and 
Uncle Bill C. D. off R. In a moment the bell rings 
offL.) 

Hilda enters R. door and exits C. D. off L. In 
another moment Bob enters C. D. from L. followed 
by Hilda, who crosses to R. D- 



WHEN SMITH STEPPED OU T 51 

Hilda. 
{Turning at R. D.) 
I'll tell her. {Pause, then she smiles broadly.) Yah 
she ban glad tu see you, I tank. 

Bob. 
I hope so. (Bob laughs. Hilda exits R. D., in a 

' Muriel enters R. D. 

Muriel. 
Good morning. g^^ 

Good morning, Muriel. Was it all right for me 
^^ stop.? Muriel. 

{Cordially.) 
Why, surely. g^^ 

On my way to the office and just wanted to tell you 
— oh, but you look lovely this morning. I never 
before saw you so early in the morning. 

Muriel. 
Is that what you stopped to tell me? 

Bob. 
Well, that's one of the things. I thought last 
night that you couldn't look any lovelier, but — well, 
you're just like a rose this morning. 
Muriel. 
Bob Stanley! g^^ 

{Hastily.) 
I don't mean that. 

Muriel. 
{Of ended.) 
You don't mean it.? 

Bob. 
I mean you are more beautiful than a rose. 



52 WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT 

(There is a pause, they look at each other and hreaJc 
out laughing.) Muriel. 

Now be sensible. -g^^ 

I wanted to tell you that I stopped at the police 
station this morning. They have a good clue and 
say they will have the robber before night. 

Muriel. 
Isn't that fine. What is the clue.? 

Bob. 

They found a black soft hat last night right near 
the corner of Maple Street where I was held up. 
That's the kind of a hat the fellow wore. 

Muriel. 

Think of that. Then all they have to do is to find 

the owner of the hat. „ 

Bob. 

Exactly. Well, I'm off. May I drop in this even- 

'""S' Muriel. 

Surely. I want to hear all about it. 

Bob. 
(Going up C.) 
Goodbye. Muriel. 

Goodbye, Bob. (Ea:it Bob C. D. off L. Muriel 
starts R. but — ) 

Nellie enters C. D. from R. 

Nellie. 
Who was that.? Bob.? 

Muriel. 
Yes. Why? Nellie. 

George is right. This is getting serious — early 
morning calls. 



WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT 53 

Muriel. 
This was a business call. 

Nellie. 
Oh, indeed. You'll have to get up earlier and be 

^^^««^d- Muriel. 

(Laughing.) 
He said I looked lovelier than I did last night. 
Those were his very words. 

Nellie. 
That doesn't sound like business. (Bell rings off 

^•) Muriel. 

Now who can that he? 

Nellie. 
You must get dressed. 

Hilda crosses hall from R. to L. 

Muriel. 

All right, dear sister. (Starts R. and stops.) It 
might be Bob. Nellie. 

Bob might as well live here and save Hilda's time 
running to the door. 

Enter Hilda C. D. from L, 

Hilda. 
Dar is strange man, ]Meester Keene — 

Muriel. 
I never heard of him. 

Hilda. 
Tu see Mr. Smith. (Ea:it Muriel R. D.) 

Nellie. 
Have him come in here, Hilda, and tell ^Ir. Smith 
— ^he's upstairs, I think. 



54 WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT 

Hilda. 
Yah, I tal him. {Ea:it Hilda C. D. off L. Nellie 
gives a few touches to the things on table and — ) 

Mk. Keene enters C. D. from L. Hilda, behind 
him, crosses hall from L. to R. 

Nellie. 
Good morning, Mr. Keene. I am Mrs. Smith. 

Keene. 
I want to see Mr. Smith. 

Nellie. 
Won't you be seated? He will be here in a moment. 

Keene. 
(Sitting in chair below table,) 
Thanks. Nellie. 

You came just in time for he's leaving for his office. 

Keene. 
That's the reason I came early, to catch him. 

Nellie. 
I see. (Keene sits motionless in chair hut all the 
time is taking in with his eyes everything in the 
room.) Keene. 

(Without looking at her.) 
Nice morning. Nellie. 

Beautiful. 
George enters C. D. from R. and comes down. 

George. 
Good morning. Keene. 

(Rising.) 
Good morning — Mr. Smith.? 



WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT 55 

George. 

Yes, sir. Keene. 

(Turning back his coat.) 
"My name is Keene. I'm from the Central office. 

George. 
Oh, you're a detective or pohceman or something 
like that. Sit down. 

Keene. 
(Sitting in same chair.) 
I am a criminal diagnostician. 
(Nellie goes up L. George goes to little chair at 
telephone lower K.) 

George. 
A criminal diagnostician. Well, well. What can 
I do for you.? j^^^^,.^ 

I want to ask you a few questions. 

George. 
Fire away. (All through the following Keene 
never takes his eyes off George.) 

Keene. 
In the first place you are, no doubt, aware that 
there have been a number of stick-ups recently. 

George. 

Yes; it's hardly safe to step out in the evening 
any more. Keene. 

I've been working here for several days and at last 
I have caught the man who has been terrorizing the 
neighborhood. Nellie. 

Well, we're glad to hear that. 

Keene. 
I say I've caught him. I haven't arrested him yet 



56 WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT 

but can do so any minute. I've got him under my 
thumb. George. 

You're a smart man, Mr. Keene. I congratulate 

you- Keene. 

That's nothing; it's my business. 

George. 
Well, at any rate it's good business. 

Keene. 
A criminal, no matter how clever he is, always 
leaves a clue. Last night a man was stuck-up and 
robbed of his watch just a few doors from here. 
George. 
(^Feigning surprise.) 
You don't say so. Who was it.? 

Keene. 
Never mind who it was. As I said, a criminal 
always leaves a clue. It's my business to find that 
clue. George. 

And you've found it.? 

Keene. 
Yes, sir. George. 

I don't suppose you would want to tell us what 
i^is.? Keene. 

I wouldn't mind. It's this. (He pulls Uncle 
Bill's black soft hat out from under his coat and 
lays it on the table.) 

George. 
Well, well, you don't mean to say you have the 
robber's hat.? ^ Keene. 

(Watching him closely.) 
That's just what I liave. 



WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT ^57 

George. 
{Carelessly.) 
Now that's funny. I ahyays imagined robbers 
wore a cap. ^^^^^^ 

Not always. Now, Mr. Smith, do you happen 
to know whether or not there's a stranger in town 
from Australia.? Nellie. 

{Impulsively.) 

Why, there's — {she checks herself). 

Keene. 
{Turning to her.) 
You were saying.? ^ 

{Frightened.) 
Do — do you think this robber is from Australia.? 

Keene. 
I know he's from Australia. {To George.) You 
haven't answered my question. 

George. 
{Fighting for time to think.) 
You want to know if I know if there is a stranger 
in town from Australia.? 

Keene. 
{Watching him like a hawk.) 
Exactly. George. 

Well, you see, I don't spend much time here in the 
suburb. All my time is spent in town. A hundred 
strangers could come from Australia and I wouldn't 

'^"^^ i^^- Keene. 

That isn't answering my question. 

George. 
Give me time to think a minute. 



58 WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT - 

Keene. 
Haven't you a man visiting you right now who is 
from Austraha? (Nellie is much frightened and can 
hardly keep from screaming.) 

George. 
{Laughing as though it just came to him.) 
Why, of course. Yes, of course ; Uncle Bill. 

Keexe. 
{Taking a little red book from rest pocket and glanc- 
ing at it.) 
Ah {with satisfaction) , that coincides w^th my di- 
agnosis. George. 

I was so busy thinking about your robber, I forgot 
all about old Uncle Bill. 

Uncle Bill enters hall from B. carrying a cap 
in his hand and stops C. D. 

Uncle Bill. 
Oh, ah, excuse me. 

George. 
Come in, Uncle, I want you to meet Mr. Keene. 
(Keene rises, right hand in his pocket, prepared for 
an emergency. Uncle Bill comes down C.) 

Uncle Bill. 
What was the name.'^ 

Keene. 
Keene, from the Central Station. 

Uncle Bill. 
Glad to know you, Mr. Keene. From the Central 
Railway Station.? Keene. 

{Sternly.) 
From the Central Police Station. 



WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT 59 

Uncle Bill. 
Oh, ah, I beg pardon. 

Keene. 
I wish to ask you a question, but first I want every- 
body to sit down. (George sits on chair down R. at 
telephone. Nellie hurriedly crosses and sits up K. 
Uncle Bill and Keene remain standing.) {To 
Uncle Bill.) Sit down. 

Uncle Bill. 
(Courteously.) 
After you, sir. ^^^^^^ 

(Ughj.) 
Sit down! Uncle Bill. 

(Sitting in chair above table.) 
Oh, ah, thank you, Mr. Cutter. 

Keene. 
(Sitting in chair below table.) 
Not Cutter, Keene. 

Uncle Bill. 
Keene, not Cutter; I beg pardon. 

Keene. 
What time is it? ^xcle Bill. 

(Looks at watch.) 
Twenty-three minutes after eight. 

Keene. 

(After a long pause during which no one speaks or 
moves but Keene listens intently and makes a nota- 
tion in his little red book.) There's a clock in this 
room; where is it? George. 

There isn't any clock in this room. 



60 WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT 

Keene. 
Now I warn you to be careful. There's a clock in 
this room but you have it concealed. 
Nellie. 
We have never had a clock in this room. 

Keene. 
Ever since I've been sitting here I have distinctly 
heard the ticking of a clock. Where is it? (Uncle 
Bill sits up very straight.) 

George. 
There is a clock in tlie dining room. {Motioning 
R.) It must be that you hear. 

Hilda enters C. D. from R. and stands in doorway. 
Nellie. 

What is it, Hilda.? „ 

Hilda. 

De man he ban come for de chair. 

Nellie. 
O^' yes. George. 

What chair.? Nellie. 

You know the chair in which Mr. Keene is sitting. 

George. 
What man.? What does he want with it.? 

Nellie. 
The upholsterer, of course; the bottom is giving 
way. George. 

That's nothing, I'll fix it myself. 

Nellie. 
I've asked you to fix it a dozen times. It will fall 
to pieces before you get around to it. 

George. 
Nonsense; I'll fix it tonight. 



WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT 61 

Nellie. 
I've heard that before. You'll excuse me, won't 
jou, Mr. Keene.? Keene. 

(Rising.) 
Oh, certainly. Nellie. 

All right, Hilda. (Hilda comes down to get 

^^^^^•) Keene. 

Show me that clock in the dining room. 
Nellie. 
{Sarcastically.) 
With pleasure. (Nellie leads the way to R. door. 
Keexe follows and so does Uncle Bill. Nellie, 
Keene and then Uncle Bill exit R. door. George 
goes up C. to hall, where Hilda is with the chair.) 
George. 
{Taking hold of chair.) 
This is too heavy for you, Hilda. Tell the man to 
come in and get it. Hilda 

Yah, it ban pretty heavy. {Exit Hilda off R.) 

George quickly unpins the watch from beneath 
chair and gives the chair a push R. so that it is out 
of sight. He stands in C. D. quickly sizing up 
room and then with sudden inspiration pins the 
watch to lower end of cord which runs through the 
Chinese breakfast gong. He then strolls down C, 
faces up and takes a look at it as Keene, Nellie and 
Uncle Bill enter R. door. Keene crosses down L. 
to about where he sat before, Nellie crosses to fire- 
place, Uncle Bill stays up R. and George crosses 
to lower R. Keene. 

Stand perfectly still and don't speak. {Everyone 
obeys. After listening intently.) It wasn't the clock 



62 WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT 

in the dining room I heard. {Quickly.) Where's the 
chair I was sitting in? 

George. 
The upholsterer got it. 

Keene. 
At the back door.? George. 

I suppose so. (Keene dashes up to C. D. and 
exits off R.) Nellie. 

George, what is this all about.? 

George. 

(Laughing.) 

He's trying to find a hold-up man and thinks he's 

ffot a clue. xT^^^.^ 

o JNellie. 

But wln^ should we be subjected to all this indig- 

""'^y- Uncle Bill. 

Yes, why of all places does he come liere and bother 

^^- George. 

Now don't fuss over it. He's got liis own little 
diagnosis. Let's do all we can to help him. 

Nellie. 
The idea is simply preposterous. 

Enter Keene C. D. from R. 

Keene. 

He's gone. What's his name, where's his shop.? 

Nellie. 

His name is Benson, his shop is on Main Street. 

Keene. 

(Writing in his book.) 

I'll get him later. (Keene again comes down L. 

and faces Uncle Bill.) Where were you between 

seven-thirty and eight o'clock last evening.? 



WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT 63 

Uncle Bill. 
Bless my soul, I don't know. 

Keene. 
Why don't you know.^ 

Uncle Bill. 
I don't keep a diary. I'll have to think. 

George. 
You must make allowances for my uncle, Mr. 
Keene; he's rather absent-minded. 

Uncle Bill. 
Where was I, George, between eight-thirty and 
nine last night.? K^^^^. 

(Savagely.) 
Seven-thirty and eight, I said. 

Uncle Bill. 
Oh, ah, I beg pardon. 

George. 
I don't know, you were here, I guess. 
Keene. 
(To Uncle Bill.) 
Did you step out of the house at all last evening .^^ 

Uncle Bill. 
Yes, I always step out for a little walk after din- 
ner — the doctor's orders, you know. 
Keene. 
I thought so. What time did you step out.? 

Uncle Bill. 
I don't know. I don't run on schedule. 

Nellie. 
I'm sure he doesn't know, Mr. Keene, because be- 
fore he went out he put on another suit and forgot 
his watch. I found it on his dresser after he left. 



64 WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT 



Keene. 
(To Nellie.) 
What time do 7/ou think it was? 

Nellie. 
I don't know, exactly; it was probably somewhere 
around eight o'clock. We had a late dinner. 
Keene. 
(To Uncle Bill.) 
Ah (glancing at his book), that coincides with my 
diagnosis. Are you from Australia .? 
Uncle Bill. 
Sydney, Australia; yes, sir, Mr. Sharp. 

Not Sharp, Keene. 

Uncle Bill. 

Yes, sir ; I beg pardon. I always remember names 

by tlie association of ideas. 

Keene. 

(Rises and hands the hat to Uncle Bill.) 

Is that your hat.? 

Uncle Bill. 

It looks like my hat. 

Keene. 

I thought so. (Uncle Bill takes the hat, steps to 

C. and tries it on.) ^^ ^^ 

^ Uncle Bill. 

It jeels like my hat. 

Keene. 

I thought so. Uncle Bill. 

How does it look, George.? 

George. 

Looks fine on you — great! 

Keene. 

Is that your hat.'^ (Uncle Bill hesitates, takes 

it off, looks at it from all sides.) 



WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT 65 

Uncle Bill. 
(Doubtfully.) 
It — it's about the same color. 
Nellie. 
(Coming over.) 
Let me see it, Uncle Bill. (Uncle Bill hands her 
the hat.) Keene. 

Don't you know your own hat when you see it.? 

Uncle Bill. 
Not — not always. 
(Nellie is looking inside at the sweat band.) 

Keene. 
( Triuiri'phantly. ) 
You see Sydney, Australia, stamped on the band, 
don't you? Nellie. 

Why, yes, but — (she 'pauses) here are the owner's 
initials. Uncle Bill, T. U. B. in gold letters. Your 
initials are W. H. S. — William Horace Smith. 
Uncle Bill. 
(Looking.) 
That's so, that's so ; I didn't notice. 

Nellie. 
This isn't his hat, Mr. Keene. 
Keene. 
( Going up and showing his anger. ) 
I'm not asking you ; I'm asking him. Is that your 
hat or isn't it.? Uncle Bill. 

No, sir ; it's not my hat. 

Positions. 

Nellie. Uncle Bill. 

George. Keene. 

Curtain. 



66 WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT 

Second Curtain 

Keene savagely takes the hat from Uncle Bill, 
crosses up C. between Uncle Bill and Nellie 
and turning at C. D. pauses and glares at them 
all. George is laughing, Nellie is staring at 
Uncle Bill with suspicion and fear and Uncle 
Bill is entirely at ease. Keene exits quickly C. D. 
offL. 

Third Curtain. 

Empty stage. All the characters enter from dif- 
ferent entrances and how and exit. Uncle Bill 
being the last one. 



WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT 



The Third Act. 

Scene: Same as Act I. The same evening. 

At rise: The lights are lit and Nellie is discovered 
on davenport nervously glacing through the even- 
ing paper. The watch is no longer suspended from 
the Chinese gong. A straight dining room chair 
has replaced the upholstered chair down L. 

George enters R. D. 

George. 
Hello, where's Uncle Bill.? 

Nellie. 
He just stepped out. 

George. 
What, again.?. Nellie. 

I wish he would step out and stay out. 

George. 
(Shocked.) 
Why, Nellie! Nellie. 

I don't want to hear jou call him Uncle Bill again. 
He is not your uncle at all. 

George. 
Nellie, Nellie; you aren't feehng well. You don't 
know what you're saying. 

Nellie. 
Oh, yes, I do. He's not your uncle at all. He has 
probably murdered your uncle in Australia and now 
has come over to get your money. 

67 



68 WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT 

George. 
My money. That's the first time you ever admit- 
ted I had any money. 

Nellie. 
He's an impostor, a thief and a murderer and 
3'ou've got to get rid of him. 
George. 
For heaven's sake, I liope you haven't talked like 
this to Muriel. It would scare her to death. 
Nellie. 
No ; she always takes j^our part. 

George. 
Now, Nellie, don't get excited. I explained to you 
all about what happened to Uncle Bill last night. It 
was not his fault. He was the victim of circum- 
stances. ^^j.j.^^. 

Can you stand there, George Smith, and tell me 
you still believe that story he told you about last 

° * George. 

Of course, I believe it. 

Nellie. 
/ don't. I won't sleep under the same roof with 
liim another night. With that terrible gun he might 
murder us all in our beds. 

George. 
Nonsense. Uncle Bill wouldn't harm a kitten. 

Nellie. 
How about the hat.? You know as well as I do 
that it was the hat he wore when he came. 
George. 
I'll admit it did look like his hat. 

Nellie. 
It is his hat. He lost his hat, didn't he? 



WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT 69 



George. 

"^^S. NELI.IE. 

And Mr. Keene found it. 

George. 
He found a hat, yes. 

Neelie. 
There can't be two hats from Austraha, can there? 

George. 
I can't explain that {laughing), but did you see 
that detective's face when you proved it was not his 
hat.? Nellie. 

It proves he is not your uncle. His real initials 
are T. U. B., not W. H. S. Can't you see that he's 
an impostor.? George. 

{Doubtfully.) 
Well, I can't explain about those initials, Nelhe, 
but I'll ask him. Nellie. 

A lot of good that will do. Promise to get rid of 
him this very night or I'll pack a suit case and 
go home to mother, q^^^^^^ 

Now, Nellie, don't be unreasonable. I can't kick 
him out like that. Nellie. 

I mean just what I say; if he doesn't go, I do. 

George. 
And let Miss Winslow marry him and get all his 
money.? Nellie. 

I don't beheve he has any money, and if he has he 
stole it, and I don't want it. 

George. 
Now don't do anything rash, Nellie. {Door closes 
offL.) 



70 WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT 

Nellie. 
Here he comes now. Remember, either he goes or 
I do. 

Enter ]\Iiss Winslow C. D. from L. carrying a 
small parcel containing the watch. 

Miss Winslow. 
Hello, my dears. I came over just as I was. 

Nellie. 
(Crossing R.) 
Please excuse me, I'm going to pack. 

George. 
Now, Nellie. ^^^^ Winslow. 
Going to pack.? Are you going away.? 

Nellie. 
I'm going to visit my mother for awhile. 

Miss Winslow. 

(Alarmed.) 
What about your uncle.? I have a parcel for him. 
He hasn't gone.? Nellie. 

No, he's still here. You and George can look after 

^^"^- Miss Winslow. 

Oh, won't that be lovely.? You will bring him over 
real often, won't j^ou.? 

George. 

Sure, I'll bring him over and leave him. (To Nel- 
lie.) Now, Nellie — ^ 

What's in that parcel.? 

Miss Winslow. 
(Holding it out.) 
I don't know. The postman brought it this after- 
noon. 



WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT 71_ 

Nellie. 
(Taking it and reading address.) 
"William Horace Smith, care of Miss Winslow." 
Now why, tell me why, does he have his mail sent to 
Miss Winslow? George. 

Search me. ^^^^^ W^inslow. 

{Coquettishly.) 
Perhaps he wanted to be sure to meet me again. 
He knew I would bring it right over. 

George. 
That's right; you've guessed it. 

Nellie. 
Nothing of the kind. It is very suspicious. (Holds 
parcel to her ear and gives a shriek.) Oh! It ticks! 
(Holds it at arm^s length.) It ticks! 

George. 
(Laughing.) 
What's the matter ? 

Miss Winslow. 
My soul and body! 

Nellie. 
(Running around in a circle with parcel at arm's 
length.) 
It ticks, it ticks ; it's going to explode ; it's an in- 
fernal machine. (Up center.) Hilda, Hilda! A pail 
of water ; fire, help, a pail of water ! 

George. 
(Running after her.) 
Nellie, Nellie; give it to me; wait a minute; listen. 

Nellie. 
Take it, take it ; I daren't drop it, we'll all be mur- 
dered. 



72 WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT 

George. 
(Getting parcel.) 
That's right; it does tick. 

Nellie. 
(In hall.) 
Hilda, Hilda, quick! 

Hilda. 
(OffR.) 
Yah, I'm a-running. 

George. 
(At R. C.) 
Now don't get excited ; this isn't going to hurt any- 

^°^y- Nellie. 

(Stamping her foot.) 
Oh! That's just like a man. 

Hilda comes splashing in C. D. from R. carrying 

a pail of water. -._. 

Hilda. 

I put him out. Vere is he.? 

Nellie. 
(Putting her hands over her ears,) 
Careful, George ; careful, don't drop it. 

George. 
I'll do nothing of the kind. It's all nonsense. 
Whatever it is, it belongs to Uncle Bill and we'll let 
him open it. Never mind the water, Hilda. 

Hilda. 
Fire all out. All right. (Exit Hilda C. D. off R. 
with pail of water.) Nellie. 

(Very angry.) 
That settles it; nothing could induce me to stay 
another moment. (Exit Nellie C. D. off R.) 



WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT 73 

Miss Winslow. 
Isn't your wife leaving rather unexpectedly? 
George. 
{Helplessly.) 
Yes, but that's the way women do things. 

IMlSS WlNSLO\V. 

Isn't it so. We girls are all creatures of impulse. 
I'm just that way myself. 

Uncle Bill enters C. D. from L. wearing nezv 
soft black hat which he hangs on hall tree in passing. 

Uncle Bill. 
Oh, ah, good evening. 

Miss WiNSLOW. 

Good evening, Mr. Smith. Did you have a nice 

"'a"^-" Uncle Bill. 

Yes, indeed, charming walk. Beautiful weather. 
George. 
(Handing him the parcel.) 
Here's a parcel for you. Miss Winslow brought it 

^^^^- Uncle Bill. 

(Taking it, nervously.) 
Yes, yes, oh thanks. Er, ah, thank you. Miss Wins- 
low, for the trouble. 

Miss WlNSLOW\ 

No trouble at all, I assure you. Now I'm going to 
see if I can't help Nellie pack. (Exit Miss Winslow 
C. D. of R.) Uncle Bill. 

(Up close to George and guardedly.) 

It's the watch. George. 

I guessed it. Uncle Bill. 

Didn't know what to do with it, so I thought I 



74 WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT 

would let Uncle Sam take care of it foj^ a day. I 
mailed it to Miss Winslow this morning. 
George. 
Very clever, you robber, but Nellie got hold of it, 
heard it tick and thinks it's going to explode. 

Uncle Bill. 
(Alarmed.) 
She doesn't suspect.? 

George. 
She suspects everything and everybody. All 
women are alike — she — 

Uncle Bill. 
(Interrupting.) 
I'll wrap it in another paper and mail it to — let's 
see now, where shall I mail it this time? 
George. 
Australia. ^ncle Bii,i,. 

No, no, I must return it to the owner as soon as he 
reveals himself. Have you heard anything, George.? 

George. 
Not a word and I wish — 

Uncle Bill. 
( Again interrupting. ) 
I have it ; I'll mail it to your office. 

George. 
Oh, no you don't ; they'll probably search my office; 

Uncle Bill. 
It won't get there until morning. Vou can mail it 
out the minute it comes in. 

George. 
All right, all right ; I'll take a chance, but get it 
out of the house. 



WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT 75 

Enter Miss Winslow C. D. from R. 
Miss Winslow. 
Your wife is very much excited and wouldn't let 
me help her pack. George. 
(Going up.) 
Well, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to see if I can't 
help her not to pack. 

Miss Winslow. 
(Archly.) 
You're not afraid to be left alone with me, are 
you, Uncle Bill.? (Exit George C. D. off R.) 
Uncle Bill. 
(Putting parcel in coat pocket.) 
Well, to tell the truth, a pretty woman is the only 
thing I am afraid of. 

Miss Winslow. 
Really? Oh, how perfectly thrilling. Is that the 
reason you have never married .^^ 
Uncle Bill. 
I guess they are afraid of me, too. 
Miss Winslow. 
(Sitting on davenport.) 
How could anyone be afraid of you.? You haven't 
seen me start to run, have you? 

Uncle Bill. 
No, but — but you are probably a very brave 
woman. ^jj^^ Winslow. 

Oh, but I'm not. I'm only a timid, frail little 
creature, all alone in the world. Won't j^ou sit down 
— here? (Motioning him to sit beside her on daven- 

^^^^•) Uncle Bill. 

Thank you. (He sits in chair below table and she 



76 WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT 



at once moves over to lower end of davenport to he 
near him.) ^^^^^ Winslow. 

See, I know you won't hurt me. Don't you cvlt 
get lonesome living all alone? 

Uncle Bill. 
Yes, that's the reason I came to see George and 

N^^li^- Miss Winslow. 

(Losing no time.) 
Haven't j'ou ever thought seriously of getting mar- 

^i^^-^ Uncle Bill. 

What's the use. No woman wants an old fellow 
like me. ^yj^^g Winslow. 

You might be mistaken. Somewhere in the world 
there is a frail little woman waiting for you, waiting 
for you to claim her for your very own. 
Uncle Bill. 
Why haven't you ever married.'^ 
Miss Winslow\ 
(Leaning towards him and very sentimental.) 
Like you I am waiting for the right person to come 
along to claim me. 

Uncle Bill. 
(Edging away.) 
But I didn't say I was waiting. (Bell rings off L.) 
You see I've given up waiting. 

Miss Winslow\ 
I tliink middle-aged men are much more interesting 
than young men, don't 3^ou? 

Uncle Bill. 
(Pulling doitm his vest.) 
Ahem, naturally, of course, a man hasn't good 
sense until he's passed fifty. 



WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT 77 

Hilda crosses hall from R. to L. 

Miss Winslow. 
That's just what I've always said, and then, too, 
they're so much more attractive. 
Uncle Bill. 
(Swelling up.) 
You may be right, you may be right. Who knows ? 

Miss Winslow. 
Somehow I feel that I can confide in you. For 
some reason I have always seemed to attract the 
younger men, but I never feel when I am with them 
that thrill of response in my heart that will tell me 
when the right man comes along. Don't you think 
we should always heed the promptings of our heart.? 

Uncle Bill. 
(Looking at her in mingled fear and amazement.) 
Yes, yes, quite so ; that's the reason I gave up 
smoking. 

Hilda enters hall from L. followed by Bob, who 
hangs his straw hat on hall tree. 

Miss Winslow. 
( Turns. ) 
Good evening, Mr. Stanley. 
Bob. 
Oh, good evening. Hilda. 
Miss Muriel she ban vaiting in the parlor. 

Bob. • 

Good, thanks. Hilda. 

It ban pretty hot night. Miss Muriel say have 
Meester Bob take off his coat if he vants tu. 

Bob. 
I'll just take you up on that. (Bob takes off his 



78 WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT 

coat and hangs it beneath his hat, then he exits 
through hall R. followed by Hilda.) 

Uncle Bill. 
Who was that? ,_ ^__ 

IMlSS WlNSLOW. 

Don't you know who that is? Why, that's Bob 
Stanley ; he's keeping company with Muriel and folks 
do say that they're engaged. 

Uncle Bill. 
Oh, yes, yes. I've heard George teasing her about 
him, but we've never happened to meet. 

Miss Winslo^v. 
Oh, they're a charming couple. Don't you think 
real marriages are made in heaven? 
Uncle Bill. 
(Dryly.) 
Well, judging by the atmosphere in some of the 
homes I have visited I thought they might be made 
in the other place. 

Miss Winslow. 
Now you're cynical. I wonder if Mr. Stanley has 
found his watch yet? (Uncle Bill sits up very 
straight.) Uncle Bill. 

His watch. What about his watch? 

Miss Winslow. 
I thought maybe you heard that he got it back. 
There, I forgot I promised not to tell. 
" Uncle Bill. 

{Trying to appear indifferent.) 
I — I didn't know he lost a watch. 

Miss Winslow. 
He didn't. It was stolen. Don't tell anyone I told 
you, will you? 



WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT 79 

Uncle Bill. 
Not me. -^jjgg WixsLow. 

I came in last night when he was telHng Muriel 
about it. Uncle Bill. 

You don't tell me. Well, well, when was it stolen.? 

Miss WINSLow^ 
Last night. Uncle Bill. 

(Gettimg excited.) 
Now who would think it, who would think it? 

Miss Winslqw. 
A man held him up on his way over here last 
night. It was when you were out for a walk. (Uncle 
Bill gets up and starts to laugh,) 

Uncle Bill. 
Ha-ha, ha-ha, what a coincidence, how very amus- 
ing. Ha-ha, ha-ha. 

Miss Winslqw. 
I don't think it's funny. I'm afraid you'll have to 
see me home. I get so frightened whenever I think 
of it. Uncle Bill. 

Yes, yes, of course; but you don't have to go just 
yet, do you? T^jjgs Winslqw. 

Not if you want me to stay. (Uncle Bill looks 
up towards hall tree, makes up his mind and then 
sits in chair again.) 

Uncle Bill. 
Speaking of getting married, perhaps you would 
Hke to try a little experiment. 

Miss Winslqw. 
Oh, I'd love to. (Uncle Bill takes his watch with 



80 WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT 

fob and charm from his vest pocket and hands it to 
her.) What a beautiful watch! 
Uncle Bill. 
You notice that charm? 

Miss W^inslow. 
Yes, indeed. I never saw anything Hke it. 

Uncle Bill. 
No, I presume not. That is a very rare stone en- 
dowed with strange and unusual powers. It is found 
only in Australia and there are only two in existence 
Miss Winslow. 
How very interesting. 

Uncle Bill. 
They say that if you look into that stone for half 
a minute and never so much as take your eyes away, 
you will see the likeness of the person you are going 
to marry. ^^^^ Winslow. 

(Excited.) 
Really.? How perfectly delightful. 

Uncle Bill. 
I've never tried it myself. 

Miss Winslow. 
I wonder if I dare try it ? 

Uncle Bill. 

Go ahead — there's nothing can hurt you. Just 
look intently at that stone for thirty seconds and see 
how it works. ^^jgg Winslow. 

All I must do is to look at it ? 

Uncle Bill. 
Yes, you mustn't look away, not even for a frac- 
tion of a second, no matter what happens, or you 



WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT 81^ 

will break the charm. You must gaze at it for thirty 
seconds, but no longer. 

Miss Winslow. 
How can I tell when the time is up.'' 

Uncle Bill. 
{Taking parcel from his pocket as he goes up C.) 
I'll stay behind you and count for you. Look at 
it steadily until I finish counting thirty. 
Miss Winslow. 
(In a flutter.) 
Oh, I'm so excited. (She faces front on the daven- 
port and holds the charm in front of her.) 

Uncle Bill. 
(Breaking the string and undoing parcel.) 
All ready.? ^j^^^ Winslow. 

Yes, ha-ha, I'm ready, and so excited! 

Uncle Bill. 
(Solemnly.) 
One — two — three — four (and so forth he counts 
up to thirty and as he does so, never taking his eyes 
off her, he takes the watch from the box, tosses the 
paper and box off R. through hall and slips the watch 
in breast pocket of Bob's coat. He speaks very im- 
pressively.) Twenty-nine — thirty. 

Miss Winslow. 
( Turning. ) 
I saw him — I saw him! 

Uncle Bill. 

(Mopping his forehead in relief.) 

Good ; I knew it would work if we did it right. 

Miss Winslow. 
Oh, I must tell you. I could see him just as plain. 



82 WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT 

Uncle Bill. 
Nice looking fellow, wasn't he? 

Miss Winslow. 
{Describing Uncle Bill to the dot.) 
Perfectly adorable ! About fifty years old but only 
slightly bald, short dark mustache {looking into 
Uncle Bill's eyes)y brown eyes (Uncle Bill is get- 
ting scared now as she comes closer, is more friendly 
and describes him so accurately and his face shows it 
as he slowly backs away), brown hair, and he has the 
cutest little chin whiskers. Tortoise shell glasses and 
he was just the right size, not thin, not fat, but just 
plump enough to look healthy and prosperous. 

Uncle Bill. 
{With a sigh.) 
That's a wonderful stone. 

Miss Winslow. 
{Taking his arm.) 
Isn't it, though.? I feel so grateful to you, Mr. 

^^^^^- Uncle Bill. 

Oh, ah, I think perhaps I better take you home be- 
fore, oh, ah, before it's too late. 

Miss Winslow. 
How thoughtful of you. (Uncle Bill gets away 
from herj goes up C. and starts to put on Bob's hat. 
It is too largo and rests on his ears. Miss Winslow 
stops at mirror up L. to primp a little and then goes 
up C. and joins him.) Why that isn't your hat. 

Uncle Bill. 
Bless my soul! You're right. I'm rather absent- 
minded at times, you know. {He takes off hat, hangs 
it up and puts on his own.) 



WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT 83 

Miss Winslow. 
You do need someone to look after you. {She takes 
his arm and they exit through hall off L.) 

Nellie enters C. D. from R. carrying a suit case, 
followed by George who is worried and remon- 
strating. 

Nellie. 

Well, I'm glad your precious Uncle Bill isn't here, 
anyway. George. 

I left him here with Miss Winslow. She's probably 
got him roped, thrown and tied by this time. ( Nellie 
drops her suit case at hall tree and goes down R. to 
telephone.) Nellie. 

I don't care what she does with him. 

George. 
Now what are you going to do.'^ 

Nellie. 
You won't go to the station with me, so I'm going 
to order a taxi. George. 

It isn't that I don't want to go to the station with 
you. I simply do not want you to do this foolish 
thing. Uncle Bill will never get over it. 
Nellie. 
I hope he don't. George. 

All right, all right. I'll go with you if you insist. 
Nellie. 
(At telephone.) 
You're too late; you've had your chance, now I'm 
going alone. (Over telephone.) Two hundred, 
please; that's right, two double O. 
George. 
If you'll tell me how to get rid of him I'll do it. 



84 WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT 

Nellie. 
That's strictly up to you. {Over telephone.) 
Wayside Garage? Please send a taxi to 405 Maple 
Avenue, Mrs. George Smith — that's right — right 
away. I must make the seven-fifty-five train. Thank 
you. Goodbye. (Bell rings off L.) 

George. 
Nellie, Nellie, dear, will nothing make you change 
your mind? ^^^^^ 

Nothing unless you get rid of that Uncle Bill. 

George. 
But supposing you are mistaken. Supposing he 
proves his innocence .^^ 

(Hilda crosses hall from R, to L.) 

Nellie. 
Let him explain about the hat. That's all I ask. 
That will prove whether he's your Uncle or not. 

George. 
All right. When he comes back I'll make him ex- 
plain, and if he can't do it, out he goes. 

Nellie. 
I'm not going to miss my train. 

Enter Hilda C D. from L. 

Hilda. 
Mr. Keene, the detectitive faller. 

Nellie. 

Now you see, we'll all be arrested. Oh, why didn't 
I leave before. Qeokge. 

Have him come in, Hilda. 
(Hilda tmrns L. but Keene has followed her in.) 



WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT 85 

Hilda. 

Yah, har he ban now. 

Enter Keene C. D. from L. Exit Hilda R. through 

hall. 

Keene. 
Hello, where's your Uncle? 

George. 
I think he has stepped out. 

Keene. 
I had your chair all to pieces. The watch wasn't 

^^ ^^- Nellie. 

How could the stolen watch be in my chair.? 

Keene. 
That's a favorite hiding place, but (taJcing two 
papers from his pocket) I've got a warrant for his 
arrest and also a search warrant for this house. 

Geoege. 
(Angry.) 
Search anything and anybody you want, but get 
through. I've got troubles of my own. 

Keene. 
I'm going to search his room. 

George. 
Come on and get it over with. -{Exit George R. 
through hall followed hy Keene. Nellie walks ner- 
vously up and down C.) 

Bob and Muriel enter C. D. from J?., both look- 
ing radiantly happy. 

Muriel. 
What's this Hilda tells me about your going away? 



86 WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT 

Nellie. 
I'm going away until George gets rid of his so- 
called Uncle Bill. ,. 

Muriel. 

I thought you liked him. What's the matter with 

him ? ^T 

Nellie. 

He's an impostor and a thief. He robbed a man 
of his watch last night and the police are after him. 
He's not our Uncle at all. 

Muriel. 
Nellie, how terrible ! 

Bob. 
You say he robbed a man of his watch last night? 

Nellie. 
Yes, and he carries a horrible revolver. 

Bob. 
I was robbed last night by a man with a horrible 
revolver. Can it be the same man.? 

Nellie. 

Why didn't you tell us before? It must be the 

same man. ,_ 

Muriel. 

It must be, you were the only person held up last 

^ ' Nellie. 

Haven't you met him yet? 

Bob. 
No, but if he's the man who took my watch, I want 

Nellie. 
There's no doubt about it. The detective is up- 
stairs now searching his room. 



WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT 87 

Muriel. 
But, Nellie, dear, you don't know that he is the 
robber. Nellie. 

The detective knows it; that's enough for me. 

Muriel. 
What a terrible thing to have a robber in tlie 

^^"^%- Nellie. 

He's not in the family, I tell you ; lie's an impostor. 
I don't know his name, but the initials in his hat are 
T. U. B. Our uncle's initials are W. H. S.— Wil- 
liam Horace Smith. I can't understand how George 
could be so imposed upon. 

Enter Keexe and George C. D. from R. 

Bob. 
Good evening, i\Ir. Keene. 

Keexe. 
(Scornfiilli/.) 
Hello, young fellow. It's pretty late for you to be 
out, but you may have a chance to identify your 
property. Nellie. 

Did you find the watch.? 

Keexe. 
No, but I went all through his stuff and it looks 
very suspicious. He's probabl}^ got it on him. 

Enter Uxcle Bill C. D. from L. He hangs his 
hat on hall tree. 

Positions. 

Uncle Bill. 
Keene. 
Bob. Nellie. 

Muriel. George. 



88 WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT 

Uncle Bill. 
( Cheerily. ) 
Hello, hello, having a party? 

George. 
Come in, Uncle Bill. Mr. Keene still thinks you 
stole that watch and wants to search you. 

Uncle Bill. 
Yes, yes, quite so; how are you Mr. — Mr. Cutter.'^ 

Keene. 
{Savagely,) 
Not Cutter, Keene, Keene. 

* Uncle Bill. 

Mr. Keene Cutter. I beg pardon, Keene, yes, of 
course. ^ 

CjtEORGE. 

{To Bob.) 
Are you the fellow who lost the watch.'' 

Bob. 

George. 

Why in thunder didn't you tell us? 

Bob. 
I saw no need of advertising the fact. 

Keene. 
I have a search warrant this time. {Starts to take 
it from his pocket.) 

Uncle Bill. 
Don't {rouble, don't trouble; I'll take your word 
for it and I don't mind being searched, not in the 
least. 



WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT 89 

Keene. 
(Sarcastic.) 
You're too willing. (Stepping up to Uncle Bill.) 
Now don't try to pull anything funny when I'm do- 
ing this. 

Uncle Bill. 

I won't — if you'll promise not to tickle. (Keene 
searches his pockets and pats him all over while every 
one looks on much interested. The last place he 
searches is the vest pockets and pulls out Uncle 
BiLL*s gold watch, looks at it and hands it to Bob.) 

Keene. 

Is that it? 

Bob. 

(Looks at it quickly and hands it back.) 

No, that's not mine. 

Keene. 
(To Bob.) 
You're lucky they didn't get your badge. 
(Handing it back to Uncle Bill.) 
You can keep it — for awhile. 

Uncle Bill. 

Oh, thanks. Is this the young man who lost his 

watch? 

George. 

I guess you haven't met each other. Bob, this is 

my Uncle Bill Smith — Mr. Stanley. 

Uncle Bill. 
Glad to know you, sir. 

Bob. 
You don't look like a robber. 



90 WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT 

Unci.e Bill. 

You are a very discerning young man. I'm not a 

robber; I'm what they call a suspect. Is that right, 

Mr. Sharp? ^ 

^ Keene. 

My name is Keene and you're not going to get off 
the way you did this morning, either. I have a war- 
rant for your arrest. 

Uncle Bill. 
Oh, ah, what are you going to arrest me for.^^ 

Keene. 
I'm going to take you to the station, where we can 
search you right down to the skin. 

Uncle Bill. 
You really want me to go to the station with you.'^ 

Keene. 

No, I don't want you to go; you're just going, 

that's all. TT r» 

Uncle Bill. 

Just as you say. I have no objection. But while 

we're all here this reminds me of a funny experience 

I had not long ago. I thought my watch had been 

stolen and when I came home found I had left it on 

my dresser, ha-ha, ha-ha. (He starts to laugh, looks 

around and sees every one sober and stops.) None of 

you seem to think that's funny. 

Keene. 
Any man who thinks that's funny is crazy. 

Uncle Bill. 
Now as a matter of fact, Mr. Cutting — I mean Mr. 
Keene — haven't you in your wide experience found a 
great many people who report articles stolen and dis- 
cover later they have merely mislaid them? 



WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT 91 

Keene. 
(Looking at Bob.) 
Oh, yes, there's lots of crazy people in the world. 
Even the police are sometimes crazy. Come on, let's 

Uncle 13ill. 
All right. Oh, before we go, I would like to asic 
you, i\Ir. Stanley, if you are wearing the same suit 
of clothes now that you wore last night. 

Bob. 
No, I wore a different suit last night. 

Keene. 
(Taking his arm.) 
Come on. ^ 

CtEORGE. 

Do you want me to go with you. Uncle Bill? 

Uncle Bill. 
No, no; don't trouble. (Uncle Bill goes to hall 
tree and puts on Bob's hat,) 

George. 
That's the wrong hat. Uncle. 

Uncle Bill. 
(Lookiiig at it.) 
Oh, ah, so it is ; pardon me. (Puts on his own hat,) 
Is this your coat, Mr. Stanley.? 

Bob. 

Yes, it is. 

Uncle Bill. 

I'm very sorry you lost your watch, Mr. Hawk 

Keene. 
Not Hawk, Keene, I tell you. 



92 WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT 



Uncle Bill. 
I beg pardon, Keene, yes, yes. Mr. Keene and I 
are going to do all we can to help you recover it. 

Keene. 

(Starting to drag Uncle Bill off L.) 

Come now, quit your stalling, you and I are going 

to take a walk. ^^ „ 

Lncle Bill. 

Yes, yes, my evening walk, I always step out about 

this time, the doctor's orders you know. 

George. 

{Going up C. quickly.) 

Wait a minute, Mr. Keene, there's something 

wrong; here. ^ 

° Keene. 

Talk fast, what is it? 

George. 
{Turning to Bob.) 
Bob, I've known you a great many years, my 
Uncle is accused of stealing your confounded watch, 
now why didn't you tell me about it before .^^ 

Bob. 
I didn't want anyone to know it, you see I'm a 
Special Police Officer — 

George. 
{Interrupting.) 
Special Police Officer.'^ Say, what's all this.'' 

Bob. 
Can't you see I didn't want to tell.^ It's bad 
enough to lose m}^ watch without having the whole 
world laughing at me. 



WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT 93 

George. 
Hold on now, this Special Police stuff, who said 
you were a Special Police Officer? 

Bob. 
I say so, I've been sworn in. (To Keene.) Isn't 
that right, Mr. Keene .^ 

Keexe. 

Yes, but it isn't right. 

George. 
(To Keexe.) 
Is he a Special Police Officer, Mr. Keene .^ 

Keene. 
(Sarcastic.) 
He thinl-s he is, but this Bird (giving Uxcle Bill 
(t little shove) knew better. He didn't take any 
chances when he frisked his ticker. 

George. 

You got to show me, Bob, there's something wrong 

here. „ 

Bob. 

Why I can prove it easily enough. I've got a 
badge, a gun and everything. (Showing his revol- 
ver and slipping it hack in pocket.) There's the gun 
and (he goes quickly up C. to hall tree and reaches 
in breast pocket of his coat) and here's the badge — 
(Bob pulls out the badge and the watch together 
and holds them out in plain sight completely thun- 
derstruck, everyone shows surprise and starts up a 
little.) 

(From here on, quick action to final curtain.) 



94 WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT 

Keene. 
(Quickly.) 
What's that — is this your watch? (Bob exam- 
ines it, speechless.) Is it your watch? 

Bob. 
Why — yes, it, it's going, too. 

Keene. 
(Angrilt/.) 
How'd it get there? 

Bob. 
I — I — why I don't know. I'm sure it was stolen. 
(Keene is thoroughly and completely disgusted. He 
drops Uncle Bill's arm and gives Bob a look of 
withering scorn.) 

Keene. 
(Handing Bob the watch.) 
Special Pohce ! Here take it and the next time 
you go out alone put a cowbell on it. 

Bob. 
(Sarcastically.) 
You're a criminal diagnostician I believe — a great 
detective. Your specialty is — 

Uncle Bill. 
(Interrupting.) 
Finding watches — 

George. 
(Interrupting.) 
And hats — 



WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT 95 

Keene. 
{Interrupting,) 
And lunatics and boobs. (To Bob.) And say 
kid, put that gun of yours in a safe or some baby 
will take it away from you. {Exit Keene L.) 

Uncle Bill. 
{Takes Bob's arm and they come down C.) 
Well, well, I'm glad you found it. 

Bob. 
{Mystified.) 
So am I, but I can't understand it. I'm sure it was 
stolen. 

Uncle Bill. 
I know. I thought I once had my watch stolen. 
I know just how you feel. (Bob takes Muriel by 
the hand.) 

Bob. 
This has been a great day for me. May I tell 
them, Muriel? 

Muriel. 
Yes, if you want to. 

Bob. 
{To Uncle Bill.) 
I feel that I owe a great deal to you, Mr. Smith; 
because when I came in a few minutes ago to see 
Muriel, I saw you and Miss Winslow having a cozy 
little chat. I don't know what it was, but after 
seeing you something gave me courage. I knew I 
had been wasting time, so I asked Muriel to marry 
me and she said "Yes." 

George. 
Good work ! At last ! 



96 WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT 

Uncle Bill. 
Congratulations! {They all gather around Bol 
and Muriel at C and Nellie takes Muriel in her 
arms.) 

Nellie. 
My dear, dear sister. (Taxi horn off L.) 

George. 
Surely you're not going away now, Nellie.'' 

Uncle Bill. 
Are you going away, Nellie.'' 

George. 
She was planning a little visit to her mother. 
(Taxi horn again heard off L.) 

Nellie. 
The taxi is waiting. 

Uncle Bill. 
Can't you postpone your trip until tomorrow? I 
want to get up a party to celebrate the glad event. 
I'll order another car and we'll all drive down to the 
city, go to a theater and have a jolly midnight sup- 
per. What do you say? 

Muriel. 

Oh, splendid. ^ 

Bob. 

Great ! 

George. 

What do you say, Nellie? 

Nellie. 
I'll go if you'll have your Uncle Bill explain about 
the hat. 



WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT 97 

Uncle Bill. 
The hat, what hat? 

George. 
She wants you to explain about that hat Mr. Keene 
brought in this morning. 

Uncle Bill. 
Oh, I see. 

George. 
You lost 3^our hat but you said it wasn't yours, 
and while it looked like yours and fit like yours, it had 
some other initials in it. 

Uncle Bill. 
Oh, yes, yes; quite so. 

Hilda crosses hall from R. to L. 

Nellie. 
Hilda, tell the taxi driver to wait a few minutes. 

Hilda. 
Yah, I tal him. {Exit Hilda off L.) 

Uncle Bill. 
I'm very glad to explain. It wasn't my hat Mr. 
Keene found, just as I told him, although it probably 
was the hat I lost. You see, just before I sailed from 
Sydney, I went into a barber shop to get shaved and 
not until the steamer left did I discover that I had 
taken another man's hat by mistake. Mine was the. 
better hat of the two, so I have nothing on my con- 
science. (George laughs. ") Don't you believe me? 



98 WHEN SMITH STEPPED OUT 



George. 
Believe you. Say, after having kept track of your 
hat for two daj^s I would believe you if you said you 
had taken a hundred hats by mistake. 

Nellie. 
Please forgive me, Uncle Bill. 

Uncle Bill. 
Forgive you, nonsense. This is my party. Let's 
get started. George, see if you can get another taxi. 
(George goes down R.) 

Enter Miss Winslow C. D. from L. 

Miss Winslow. 
Hello, folks. I ran over just as I was. I saw a 
taxi drive up and was afraid somebody was sick. 

George. 
We had a sick detective, but lie just stepped out. 

Positions. 





Miss Winslow. 


Bob. 


Uncle Bill. 


Muriel. 


Nellie. 


George. 






Quick Curtain. 



Ruth in a Rush 

BY 
LiNDSEY BaRBEE 

A COMEDY, in 3 acts; 5 males, 7 females. Time, 
21/4 hours. Scenes: 1 exterior, 1 interior. 

CAST OB' CHARACTERS. 

Mrs. Brownell Ruth's Aunt 

Juliet Raymond Ruth's Secretary and Friend 

Ruth Ma-cdonald Moore Always in a Rush 

Susie A Maid 

Leonard Bruce Poor But Aristocratic 

Wayne Ashley Rich But Uncultured 

Dwight Lambert An Eloper 

Peggy Patton Another Eloper 

Gilbert Lansing A Writer 

Philip Grant A Millionaire 

Sadie Sodastrom A Ticket Agent 

Jean Moore Foster Ruth's Sister 

Ruth in a rush — for a position! Ruth in a rush — 
for a train! Ruth in a rush — for the borderline! Under 
these three captions, Ruth Moore might have desig- 
nated the most important era of her life. For, in her 
hurry to be Gilbert Lansing's private secretary, she 
unconsciously became the instrurhent of fate; during 
the eventful afternoon at the little waiting room at 
Sunshine Junction she was involved in a tangle of 
circumstances which resulted in the unusual expe- 
rience of being handcuffed to a fascinating stranger; 
and in her sudden decision to cross the borderline, 
she obeyed impulse, defied convention, became hap- 
pily engaged and decided that, after all, she had been 
perfectly justified in her life habit of being in a rush. 
And all this to the accompaniment of unfortunate 
suitors, stray lunatics and irresponsible elopers! Like 
Ruth herself, the spirited action and the merry com- 
edy of this breezy play go with a rush. 

Price, 35 Cents. 



T. S. Denison & Company, Publishers 

154 West Randolph Street CHICAGO 



And Home Came Ted 

BY 

Walter Ben Hare 

COMEDY of mystery, in 3 acts; 6 males, 6 females. 
Time, 2i4 hours. Scene: 1 interior. A p'ay of 
high literary merit, absolutely clean in dialogue 
and action. The story is so unusual, tlie movement 
so brisk, and tlie climaxes so unexpected, that the 
breathless interest of any audience will be held, even 
if produced by the most inexperienced players. 

Plot: Concerns the mysterious disappearance of a 
young lawyer, the failure of an heir to appear on 
specified time, and the substitution of a bogus heir 
who turns out to be the very man named in the 
will, a masked burglar, and the theft of a mysterious 
package of letters. Rollicking comedy pervades the 
entire action, relieved at intervals by moments of 
pathos, and plenty of legitimate farcical action. There 
is no star part, not even a leading role,' all characters 
of almost equal importance, Skeet, the good-natured, 
slangy, whole-hearted boy from the slums of New 
York, a great role for a young comedian; Mr. Man, 
the mysterious hero; Jim, the young lawyer who dis- 
guises as a deaf, old farmer; Tedd5^ the terrified 
young bridegroom; Doctor Stone, the scheming, but 
thoroughly natural villain, and the snappy, old Sena- 
tor; Diana, the quick-tempered but lovable heiress; 
Mollie, the plucky little housekeeper, who hides her 
breaking heart under a brave Irish smile; Henrietta, 
the mysterious and dramatic lady from Honolulu; 
Elsie, the bewildered little bride who is forced to 
hide in the basement; Miss Loganberry, the romantic 
old maid who is struggling to preserve her youth, and 
Aunt Jubilee, the "cullud" cook-lady, whose every 
line is a laugh. 

Professional stage rights reserved and a 
royalty of ten dollars required for amateur 
performance. Price, Per Copy, 35 Cents 

T« S. Denison & Company, Publishers 

154 West Randolph Street CHICAGO 



For the Love of Johnny 

BY 

Harry Hamilton 

A PL AY, in 3 acts; 6 males, 3 females. Time, 2^4 
hours. Scenes: 1 interior, 1 exterior. In his orig- 
inal manuscript the author called this play "a 
play of human hearts," and a page of description couM 
not better explain its character. 

CAST OF CHARACTERS. 

Ethel Banlis The Niece 

Harriet Banks The Aunt 

Dorothy Banks The Daughter 

Dick Wayburn The Coward 

Jerrymeyer Banks The Uncle 

Phil Osborne The Soldier 

John Turkey-Legs The Indian 

Father Ryan The Priest 

Johnny Banks The Nephew 

Mr. Woods The Stranger 

Around an intensely dramatic situation, the author 
has woven a human throbbing story abounding in 
clean and clever comedy and genuine pathos. We do 
not love all the characters the way we do Ethel and 
Johnny but we are not indifferent to any for they 
are all intensely human. We follow the Cinderella-like 
form of Ethel through the play with tears and laugh- 
ter; we fear Dick Wayburn; our hearts are won by 
the courage and unselfishness of Father Ryan; we 
grow fat faughing at Phil, the returned soldier; John 
Turkey-Legs inspires within us a wholesome respect 
for tlie native Red Man; Uncle Jerry wins our sym- 
pathy and forgiveness; we admire Dorothy, and we 
finally take back all we said about Aunt Harriet when 
in the last act she renounces the domestic trousers 
she has worn all through the play. No play since 
"The Parish Priest" or "The Rosary" has l-»ad a more 
appealing character of a priest than that of Father 
Ryan. A professional play, successful on the road, 
within the scope of talented amateur players. Stage 
directions and business unusually complete. 

Professional stage rights reserved and a 
royalty often dollars required for amateur 
performance. Price, Per Copy, 35 Cents 

T. S. Denison & Company, Publishers 

154 West Randolph Street CHICAGO 



The Real Thing After All 

BY 
LiNDSEY BaRBBB 

An after-the-war comedy-drama, in 3 acts; 7 males, 
9 females (2 are cliildren, boy and girl). Time, 2% 
hours. Scenes: 1 exterior, 1 interior. 

CAST OF CHARACTERS. 

Bobby Winton A Youthful Soldier 

Ruth Meredith With the Gift of Understanding 

Anne Meredith Winton In Love with Her Husband 

Kate Mrs. Winton's Maid 

Robert Winton A Successful Lawyer 

Cecily Hargraves Richard's Fiancee 

Thomas Gregory A Mystery 

Alison Page Who Is Clever 

Dennis Who Emulates Sherlock Holmes 

Doris Thorne A War Bride 

Edward Thorne ("Ted") A War Groom 

Captain Richard Winton W'ho Does the Unexpected 

AIm6e "A Little Bit of France" 

Miss Ward Richard's Aunt and Housekeeper 

Fifi A French Maid 

Roger Atherton An American Aviator 

Sometimes It is pretty hard to find the real thing 
after all — and Dick Winton, fresh from service, with 
a c^roix de Guerre all his own and a dear French 
orphan to claim his care and affection, searches in 
vain until the Christmas spirit touches his eyes and 
gives him the magic vision. And while selfish Cecily, 
quiet Ruth and adoring Aimee unconsciously direct 
his destiny, clever Alison tries to decide between the 
mysterious aviator and the equally mysterious Tom 
Gregory, and a fascinating French maid plays havoc 
with hearts — and other things! The irrepressible Kate, 
in emulation of Dennis, assumes the role of detective 
and nourishes the stolen pearls at the crucial moment: 
the stranger, Atherton, proves a friend in need and 
establishes an identity, all by a packet of letters; and, 
as to the recovery of the missing twenty-five thousand 
— well, that is Bobby's story, and he tells it much 
better than anybody else can hope to do. 

Price, 35 Cents. 

T. S. Denison & Company, Publishers 

154 West Randolph Street CHICAGO 



An Early Bird 

BY 

Walter Ben Hare 

COMEDY, in 3 acts; 7 males, 7 females. Time, 2i,^ 
Iiours. Scenes: Private office of a railroad presi- 
dent; room in a clieap boarding- liouse at Flagg 
Corners. Act I.— A bird in tlie tree. Act II.— A bird 
in tlie busli. Act III.— A bird in the liand. 

CAST OF CHARACTERS. 

Cyrus B. Kilbuclc President of tlie P. D. Q. Railroad 

Tony Kilbuclc His Son, Just Out of College 

Mr. Barnaby Bird The Boss of Flagg County 

Mr. Mulberry Chief Attorney for the Road 

Bruce Ferguson A Cleric in the General Offices 

^^tie An Office Boy 

Mr. Perry Allen A Young Gentleman Farmer 

Jessamine Lee The Girl 

Mrs. Van Dyne An Agent for the P. D. Q. Railroad 

Imogene McCarty A Stenographer 

Mrs. Beavers From Flagg Corners 

Rosa Bella Beavers The Belle of Flagg Corners 

Mrs. Perry Allen Jassamine's Chum 

Dilly Mrs. Beavers' Hired Girl 

"You see that door? On the outside it says Pull, but 
on my side it says Push! Get the idea? I had no 
pull to make my way. only push! And it has made me 
a millionaire. Understand? Push!" Thus Kilbuck 
tells his son, Tony, who has been expelled from college. 
With unlimited nerve and a light heart, Tony starts out 
to carve his way to fame and fortune and to win the 
girl he loves. On the rough journey he meets one 
Barnaby Bird who figures strongly in the play but he 
outwits him. puts a big deal over on his father, wins 
the girl he loves and all's well. Comedy features are 
introduced by a coquettish stenographer, a fresh office 
boy, a country belle and her mother, a landlady of a 
Flagg Corners hotel and last but by no means least. 
Dilly, the hired girl. Price, 35 Cents. 

T« S. Denison & Company, Publishers 

154 West Randolph Street CHICAGO 



How to Sta^e a Play 



Harry Osborne 




IT TELLS just what you want to 
know in brief, space. It will en- 



able you to give a successful en- 
tertainment instead of a failure. 
Fundamental principles and secrets 
of practicable stagecraft are fully 
explained and the illustrations of 
various methods of stage setting are 
of particular value. This book is a.s 
necessary as the play itself to be- 

^^""'^'^- CONTENTS. 

Chapter I.— A Successful Amateur 
Production. _ , ,. 

The Play— The Company— Public- 
ity. 

Phnntpr II The Stage Director. ^ „ 

How Se ectedlshould He Play^a Part? -His Staff 
and Their Duties-The Stage Manager-The Prop- 
erty Man-The Stage Carpenter-Stage Hands- 
The Wardrobe Mistress— Responsibility and Au- 
thority. 
Chapter III.— Preparation for Rehearsals. 
Chapter IV.— The Physical Stage. 

Chapter V.— Rehearsals. , -r, i, i tv^o 

The First Rehearsal— The Second Rehearsal— The 
Third Rehearsal— Rehearsal Without Parts. 
Chapter VI.— Subsequent Rehearsals. o .„^c 

Temno- Interruptions— Dialect Parts— Love Scenes— 
Sg Things^ Right-Reading Lines-Stage Busi- 
ness — In General. 
Chapter VII.— Dress Rehearsals. 
Chapter VIII.— Musical Comedy. 
Chapter IX.— The Opening Night. 
Chapter X.— Things to Remember. 

Dont's. 
Chapter XI.— Stage Lighting. 
Chapter XII.— Scenery. 

Screens — Drapes. 
Chapter XIII.— Make-up and Costumes. 
Chapter XIV.— Mechanical Effects. 
Chapter XV.— Glossary of Stage Terms. 

Price, 25 Cents. 



T. S. Denison & Company, Publishers 

154 West Randolph Street CHICAGO 



Plays for Schools and Colleges 

THE HIGH SCHOOL FRESHMAN 

2 Ws^^'''^^ ^"'"'^' Comedy in 3 acts; 12 males. Time, 

°"'^- P'''ce, 25 Cents: 

THE KINGDOM OF HEARTS CONTENT 

MACBETH A LA MODE 

MRS. TUBES OF SHANTYTOWN 

PARLOR matches" 

rJds^^'SL^lV. "t1J„^;, f.not.°' -^'^^c'e'; Is^S'/ntst 
A POOR MARRIED MAN ~ 

A PRAIRIE ROSE ~ 

7 g.^alfs^"4'- .r^al es"- T?nl"e!°?i, ".IZf ' ■''.-;??., ^'c^n'^. 
RE-TAMING OF THE SHREW 

fi m^ii^^l ^- Ppstgate, Shakespearean travesty in 1 acf 
6 males. 5 femal es. Time, 45 minute s. Pricef 25 Cents'. 

SAVAGELAND 

m«^iL ^^'*er Ben Hare. Musical comedy in 2 acts- 5 
males. 5 females. Time. 2V^ hours. Price, 50 Cents. 

SHADOWS ~ 

of^the'^Dast'^rma';t.''^/''f^''- i^^^y 2,^ today and a dream 
oi tne past, 3 males, 4 females. Time, 35 minutes. 

Price, 15 Cents. 
SING A SONG OF SENIORS 

minute'"s'"'^"^ ^^''^^^- Comedietta; 7 females. Time. 30 

Price, 15 Cents. 

STAR BRIGHT ~ 

A TRIAL OF HEARTS ~ 

m^L^%'t^i ^2^ f ro-urs^^"-^^ ^" ^ --^-'' p\^tA hLW. 

1..I; S- ^®nJson & Company, Publishers 

154 West Randolph Street CHICAGO 



11-819 



LIBRftRY OF CONGRESS 




018 348 493 P ^ 



lo \oio j^a 493 

Standard and Amateur flays 

Our list of plays comprises hundreds of 
titles, dramas, comedies, farces, vaudeville 
sketches, monologues, entertainments, etc. 
All shades of sentiment are represented, all 
varieties of talent, number of characters and 
time required in presentation are provided 
for in this list. 



Popular Entertainment Books 

Under this heading are found books 
touching every feature in the entertainment 
field, Dialogues, for all ages, Speakers, 
Recitations, Monologues, Drills, Entertain- 
ments, suitable for all occasions, jokes. Min- 
strels, Hand Books, etc. Over sixty titles. 
These books are not filled with old ma- 
terial, rehashed and simply made to sell; 
they are fresh and original matter, each 
written by a speciaHst in his given line. The 
books are finely made, clear print, good pa- 
per and each has a most attractive, indi- 
vidual cover design. One of the best and 
most complete entertainment series pub- 
lished. 

Paper Binding Only, Price 35 CenU Each 
Send for Complete Descriptive Catalogue 

T-S.Denison& Compaiiy,Publisher8 

154 West Randolph Street CHICAGO 



